Kanye v Drake: Who Wins This Round? – Pt 2 of 2; Certified Lover Boy

“I’m gonna go tweet a Drake lyric like everyone else”

This post is part two in a series of two where I live react to two albums for the first time. If you want to read the setup/context then feel free to do so in the first part here. I will be skipping introductions on this one and going straight into the track list.

Champagne Poetry – This is…okay, wow this is a great introductory track. The first half of this was erring on the side of “okay, we get it, you’re Drake” in terms of lyrical content, but the second half where the beat changes and the subject matter takes a much more serious tone actually makes for something interesting. Interest is very much piqued, wonder where he’s going to go from here

Papi’s Home – I was a little confused as to who Drake was claiming that he was being…ugh…”Daddy” towards, until I realized about half way through that he’s basically saying he’s “sonned” other rappers and he’s their “Daddy”. Verse was pretty good, but the metaphor…really? Take you all day to come up with that one? Also, barf.

Girls Want Girls – Wait, wait, wait, WHAT? Did I hear this right? “Said you were a lesbian, girl me too”??? I’ve usually waited until after a track to jot down what I feel on these two pieces but I stopped this one 24 seconds in, I can’t just move past this, I genuinely don’t know what the fuck he means by this? Can anyone tell me?

Okay I looked it up, yeah that’s what he said. I…I just…I dont know. I’ll try to move on, let’s try this again.

I genuinely don’t understand what’s going on here. I mean if I had to guess, he’s going for “girl on girl is hot” but then adding this whole layer of him allegedly speaking to a lesbian and…I guess “relating” to her because he likes girls too? Look as someone who lives in Los Angeles and has met one too many “Omg the gays love me” straight women…this kind of gives me the same vibe. Except worse because I guess the implication here is that he’s trying to sleep with the aforementioned lesbian…and their “common ground” is “we’re both sexually attracted to women”? Dude I don’t know, I’ve spent too much time on this ONE track, but honestly moments like this, where he spits out some ridiculous thing that you find yourself thinking “he can’t be serious”, have defined recent Drake projects for me. This might be worse than the “I wasn’t hiding my kid from the world, I was hiding the world from my kid” bullshit he managed to come up with.

In The Bible – Musically it’s not bad, in terms of the subject matter this thing takes a weird turn. The premise seemed to be about Drake feeling judged for having too many casual relationships…but then he turns it around on this hypothetical girl who is judging him with the oh so mature response of “well what about you”? Even if this wasn’t about two parties essentially slut shaming each other, not sure why he had to bring the Bible into this…did I miss when Drake suddenly got a say on what a Christian Woman should be like?

Love All – I feel “back on track” after this one, this seems like classic Drake to me. The vibe is really moody, he’s in his feelings, he’s questioning his relationships with friends/former romances/fans, he even manages to say one or two things of substance (He raps “People never care ’til it’s R.I.P.” and that definitely is understandable coming from someone of his level of fame, seeing talented people in hip-hop not be as appreciated until they pass away). So there’s something here, along with a nice JAY-Z verse to make this my favorite track on the album so far.

Fair Trade – Never mind what I just said about my favorite so far, this one is even better. Drake is here coming hard at his “fake friends”, not like that’s anything novel for him but he drops some decent bars with a solid flow, and I actually really like the melody on the hook. Travis also comes in with a solid verse where he’s actually rapping more than his usual auto-crooning, this is a good track.

Way 2 Sexy – Wow…this…happened. He really built a whole song around the hook from Right Said Fred’s “Im Too Sexy”. Yeah this one’s gonna be a “no” from me man. I feel like there may be a version of this concept that I can enjoy somewhere out there, but this just got strange. I tend to really like Future and Young Thug, but Future phoned it in hard here and Thug’s verse was pretty mid too.

TSU – Okay, I need to take a moment here and put into words/try to figure out why I can’t deal with Drake’s songs directed at seemingly random women anymore…because this is the 3rd time on this album that I’ve felt grossed out, and honestly that doesn’t happen to me often.

Drake has always had rather “intense” feelings towards the girls in his songs, but I’ve always just kind of taken those things with a grain of salt. I used to think “Drake talking about his failed relationships” would be one of those tropes I never really get tired of, but I don’t know why its just not working for me here. Maybe it’s just gotten stupider? Like think of the vibe on the songs “Take Care”, “Too Good”, “Passionfruit”…there’s something there, right? He actually takes time to unpack what went wrong in the relationship, takes his own blame, etc, so maybe it’s gotten more immature lately? Actually I don’t think thats necessarily correct, even on the Take Care album, songs like “Shot For Me” and “Marvin’s Room” are ugly if you take a real look at it, but I don’t seem to mind even if I heard them now. So what gives? Why have “Girls Want Girls”, “In the Bible”, and “TSU” just made me feel like I need a shower? I’m going to try to wrap up this train of thought at the end, this tangent has already gone on a while.

N 2 Deep – I like it. It’s definitely embodying some really toxic energy, but it’s being done in a way that actually has something to say, and it looks like remorse and covered-up-feelings are both really at play in the way he’s structured it. The beat switch up is nice, still not a great Future verse but much better than “Way 2 Sexy”.

Pipe Down – I think after the last track and this one, I may have come closer to finding the answer to the tangent I went off on in the “TSU” section. More to come, but just as far as the track goes, I like it.

Yebba’s Heartbreak – Solid interlude

No Friends In The Industry – Goes pretty hard, but at some point we’re going to have too many songs on this album about Drake having mistrust of people around him & doubting everyone’s loyalty. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to relate thematically to these failed relationships/casual sexual encounters he’s talked about so far. Maybe it is, but it’s not connecting too well.

Knife Talk – Okay this is hot, 21 Savage bodied this one. No surprise that Metro Boomin has production credits on this one.

7am On Bridle Path – Guess its safe to say that if its a Drake song with a time and place in it, its going to be a pretty hard, observational, personal declaration with some decent bars. In this one its pretty obvious he’s addressing the Kanye beef.

Race My Mind – I appreciate the Rick James interpolation, but that might be the only thing making this one not totally mid.

Fountains – It’s okay

Get Along Better – The vibe on this track is what I expected from Drake on an album called “Certified Lover Boy”, I liked this a lot until I remembered that I’ve definitely heard something like this from Drake before…and I think in that, we discover this album’s biggest weakness (aside from calling himself a lesbian). To be elaborated on at the wrap-up section.

You Only Live Twice – Rick Ross and Lil Wayne went off, but I got barely anything from Drake himself here. I know its funny that he popularized YOLO and now has a song called “You Only Live Twice”, and this one is fine, just didn’t feel anything that particularly stood out on his end.

IMY2 – Cool that he had Kid Cudi take the lead on this one, its fine overall.

Fucking Fans – Aaaaaand I’m back to feeling gross. God, Drake sounds like a giant egomaniac on this one…which I didn’t think was possible after I just finished a fucking KANYE album.

The Remorse – I think he was trying to end this album that’s about people who have been disloyal to him with a track giving some love to those who did stay around…but he manages to make it more so about him. Not the strongest note to end on, especially after the last one.

Well…it’s better than Scorpion at least, but that’s not a very high bar so lets actually get into this one. In the reaction section, I went on two tangents that I can wrap up now that tie into what I feel overall.

The first was why almost all the songs he’s directed towards women he’s interested in or are ex-lovers/partners in this album have felt wrong to me. Think about a song like “Take Care” or “Passionfruit” for a second, let it play back in your head. On these tracks, Drake put a lot of emotion behind his words, and through his delivery it just feels way more real and substantive. I mentioned even uglier songs from his earlier discography didn’t make me feel as bad as recent ones have, and that’s because of the delivery again. In my opinion, in tracks like “Marvin’s Room”, he was very well aware that the macho-act he was putting on was fake. The way he wrote and delivered those songs, there was some self-awareness there. He knew he was being kind of pathetic…and in that feeling is where he became oddly compelling. He was being honest about how he felt, masked it by talking about how great he is, but also gave off the impression that he knows he’s in the wrong, that his obsession with his grandeur is a crutch, and that he secretly wishes he could trade it all in for some honest experiences with girl he’s singing about.

At some point, though, the delivery started feeling like less of an act and more of Drake actually having these delusions where he’s in the right with these women he’s wronging. The douchebaggery started taking the place of any actual vulnerability or feeling, and then at that point it was just “guy passive-aggressively being a dick”. Think of “Child’s Play” from Views; I know we all joke about the “Cheesecake” line, but this whole song’s premise is really messed up. The whole “I’m rich and successful and you should feel lucky that I’m dating a girl like you who isn’t accustomed to this life, but if you don’t stop ‘acting up’ then I’m going to send you back to the hood” is so wildly absurd, and is so devoid of anything genuine because of how “reality TV” it sounds. After years of sounding like a young guy trying, failing, regretting, and learning from love…instead he managed to sound like a rich asshole who targets a certain kind of woman in hopes that she could be more subservient to him.

THAT’s the kind of disgusting feeling I got on certain tracks on this album. Others sounded a lot more genuine which you can see from my live reactions, and its not like this is happening EVERY single time Drake talks about a girl. Its just that the bad vibes have been coming up more often the more music he puts out, and Drake’s delivery is getting more stale, which brings me to a good segue into wrapping up the other tangent I went on.

There’s nothing particularly novel about this album compared to his work since Views. Even though I may have liked tracks on this album, the project overall seems uninspired. Does there need to be constant pressure on artists, especially ones as successful as Drake, to push the envelope with every project? No, I think that’s being a little too idealistic. Did he accomplish what he marketed, a “return to form” after Scorpion? Sure, in a way I feel like he did.

All of that is fine, but when you give a listener the same overall blend of atmospheric elements as your last two major releases (Views and Scorpion), more of the flaws in the formula tend to be revealed, and this is already the third time in a row that I’ve walked away with the same general feeling from a major Drake release.

For that reasoning alone…I feel like Kanye wins this round. I know I started this whole thing with the premise of pitting the two projects together, but in reality you should just listen to what you prefer, and they can both just be “good albums”.

I set out to make my decision as an objective music fan, but even me arguing that the themes and tracks on Donda leave me with more than Certified Lover Boy does can still be seen as subjective. I don’t think its a “crime against humanity” if you prefer Drake here, if that’s your thing, then go for it. However, when it comes to the official Soggz-Blogs decision, Donda was the better album and the one I’ll be revisiting a lot more.

Kanye v Drake: Who Wins This Round? – Pt 1 of 2; Donda

Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda

This post is part one in a series of two where I live react to two albums for the first time. If you want to skip the setup/context then feel free to do so, it will start after the bolded paragraph.

In any conversation about the music of the 2010’s, it is impossible to speak on this subject without the mention of certain artists that released great projects that not only charted well, but influenced the landscape, sounds, and trends of popular music that can still be easily identified today. The 2010’s had some really heavy hitters in pop music (and their respective genres): Taylor Swift, Beyonce, Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga…and of course, the two that I will be focusing on in these next two pieces, Kanye West and Drake.

For those who have better things to do with their lives than keeping up with this shit, you should know these two have been on each other’s cases for years now. Before I dive into the music of it all, I thought it’d be important to briefly touch on where these artists started vs where they are now, and a little of my personal history with them.

I’ve been a “constantly apologizing” Kanye West fan for years now, and he likely is one of my top 3 artists of all time, sharing that title with The Weeknd and Kid Cudi. Look, I can’t deal with his antics in the public eye either, and I definitely don’t support what he says and does as a person. I do, however, constantly find myself hoping he gets the help he so clearly needs. With that disclaimer out of the way, yeah, he’s one of the greatest artists that music has ever had and I genuinely don’t see how there is any debating that. Pre-2010, the man already put out an incredible body of work with his “college trilogy”, permanently raising the bar for production (especially in regards to sampling and interpolation) & lyricism (looking at you, Late Registration fans) in hip-hop, and non-hip-hop fans were still Kanye fans. Then he released an album (808’s & Heartbreak) that wasn’t met with much public approval during a tumultuous time in his life that ended up being “ahead of its time” because almost all pop music a few years later tried to emulate the same sound. Then (in 2010 now) he puts out an album (My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy) that he later called “a backhanded apology” because he was in trouble with the public (VMA-gate) but also wanted to basically tell everyone “you need me because I’m too damn good at this”…and it worked, ending up on almost every major music publication’s “Top 5 Albums of the Decade” list. Something something Yeezus, Watch the Throne, The Life of Pablo…albeit definitely a few missteps afterwards like “Lift Yourself” and Jesus is King (I personally think “you my chic-fil-a” might be his biggest lowlight, worse than “scoop-di-poop”, but that’s just me)…we’ve ended up with one of the most impressive discographies out there.

Personally for me, MBDTF gave me what little confidence I had as an adolescent to get through the hell of being a teenager. To this day, “Gorgeous” will never fail to give me that boost of energy and belief in myself before doing something seemingly daunting.

On the flip-side of this, we have Drake…aka Mr. Champagne Papi aka the 6 God aka every Indian fuckboy’s personal idol. He also happens to be another artist whose public antics I can’t stand either, but it’s hard to imagine the genre of Pop Rap becoming as huge as it has without directly attributing that to Drake’s success. Starting off as a “Lil Wayne prodige” and quickly artistically surpassing everyone from the Young Money camp, Drake is one of the most commercially successful rappers to ever exist. This shouldn’t imply that he wasn’t critically successful either, as Take Care was one of the first instances of the dark & moody R&B sounds that ended up taking over the genre for about a decade and influenced a lot of projects that came afterwards (this is also heavily attributed to The Weeknd’s House of Balloons, but he also had a huge hand in Take Care and that album was what introduced me and many other to The Weeknd anyway). He then went on to continue to give us quality work with Nothing Was the Same and If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, giving listeners a ton of quotable bars (and memes) in the process. By the time we got to Views in 2016, trying to avoid Drake became like trying to avoid Usher’s “Yeah!” in 2004, it was damn near impossible. Views sat atop the Billboard 200 for 13 nonconsecutive weeks, becoming the first album by a male solo artist to do so in over a decade. He continued onward to keep accomplishing feats like this and always being a huge part of internet culture, with stuff like the “In My Feelings Challenge” and “Toosie Slide” always being on people’s screens when they found themselves idly scrolling.

I cannot stress enough how much I love Take Care as a complete album, and Drake’s reign of hits is nothing to ignore at all. He has the most top 10 placements and most charted songs ever on the Billboard Hot 100, and even though I’ve found myself unimpressed or straight up annoyed with his recent work (you can’t convince me that Scorpion wasn’t a bloated dumpster fire), there’s no denying that there will always be room on any playlist for Drizzy.

So this brings us to now, where these two are beefing again. We can sit here and go through the entire history and both of their flaws, give props and/or make fun of them all day long…but I’m of the belief that the winner of any beef can only be decided by the tunes. Since they both have album releases coming out within a week of each other, I will be doing track-by-track reactions, a summary of my feelings on the overall project, and eventually determine the winner of this round between Kanye West’s Donda & Drake’s Certified Lover Boy.

So without further ado (after this incredibly messy album rollout) it’s time to do my first listen of Donda and live-blog it. Off we go!

Donda Chant – Stupid. Yeah it makes for funny memes and I laugh at them too but cmon, actually starting an album like this is not a good first impression.

Jail – Can we consider this the actual start of the album? Because this is good. I think Jay-Z could’ve maybe gone a little harder on his bars, especially considering his is the only lyrical section of this song, but this track is a good indication of where Kanye is spiritually & personally before going into the album, I’m cool with it. Pretty funny that Hov called him out for the MAGA hat.

God Breathed – The fact that this could’ve been 2 minutes shorter and still had the same effect in the track listing is really annoying.

Off The Grid – Good Lord, what gave Fivio Foreign the right to go this hard?? This is great, its only the 4th track but this is a highlight for sure, really good track all around.

Its clear Kanye has a lot to say about his personal relationship with God, his family, the divorce, etc. Based on his verse on this track, I’m curious to see what direction this goes & if its what holds the album together in terms of an overarching theme.

Hurricane – Abel, you absolute king. I think I have to publicly eat my words about Lil Baby, I 100% didn’t “get it” at first but I think he’s really been growing creatively and I’m here for it. I will say though, Kanye’s verse sounds a bit unfinished just in terms of the audio/mix…lyrically it was good. Another good track.

Praise God – Maybe on a later listen I’ll understand why Baby Keem showed up on this…but as of now, the track takes a noticeable nosedive for me when his verse starts…especially after some great Kanye & Travis Scott chemistry, and ESPECIALLY after Kanye put actual sound-bytes of his mother, the late Dr. Donda West, on the track.

Jonah – Meh.

Ok Ok – Wait, it took me this long to realize, is…is this censored? Why?? Is this whole album like this? I mean I was going to talk about how I appreciated this track emotionally and I liked Lil Yachty’s verse, but now I’m distracted. This is an odd decision but okay I’ll move on, I’m a fan of what this one has to say.

Junya – The “I won with the Bucks, boy, let me be Giannis” bar made me smile, but kind of a meh track otherwise.

Believe What I Say – Thematically we’re back to what I’ve been most interested in with this album 10 tracks in, and boy did this one deliver musically as well. Maybe I’m not remembering off the top of my head, but it’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed Kanye’s lyricism this much.

24 – I like the exploration of his faith in relation to the broader concepts of mortality & the afterlife here, appropriately supplemented by the Sunday Service Choir.

Remote Control – Not sure if I understand what he’s going for here with the “remote control” thing or that outro, but I’ll take a cool Young Thug verse.

Moon – Holy shit. This is incredible. Maybe one day Kid Cudi wont get me automatically emotional, but it’s not today.

Heaven and Hell – I appreciate his perspective on his personal relationship with faith here too. Not sure if the ending firearm sounds was meant to be a KIDS SEE GHOSTS callback, but I’ll take it.

Donda – Hearing Dr. Donda West on this one really contextualizes the kind of person she was, within Kanye’s life and just by herself as well. I would imagine hearing “Only One” after this would increase the emotional impact of that track, which already hits really hard for me. So this feels like a tasteful inclusion.

Keep My Spirit Alive – Its okay.

Jesus Lord – Well the 9 minute runtime definitely had me nervous going into this, and I’m not sure if I’ll be revisiting this track much, but I do see that its pretty pivotal to the album and is luckily a good enough song to not feel like its that long. This probably would’ve hit on a more emotional level if I understood all the Biblical references. Jay Electronica’s verse on this alone was better than his entire last album.

New Again – Ugh…look, I wanted to do my best to JUST focus on the tunes and not go “looking too much into it” when going into these albums/pieces…but something SPECIFICALLY about a song that’s about forgiveness, mercy, and feeling “new again” that features Chris Brown, one of the most habitual & consistent of garbage human beings, just rubs me the wrong way. Can’t put my finger on why though.

Tell The Vision – Oh good God, censored Pop Smoke just sounds awkward and categorically incorrect. Wait, this is just Pop’s “We Made It”…except not as good. I actually have no idea why this is here, other than the fact that Kanye is a credited feature on the actual song off the Pop Smoke album. In this context though, I don’t see what this is adding.

Lord I Need You – I know this is supposed to be a really revealing and vulnerable moment on this album about his failed relationship, but the “Taco Bell & KFC” bar…I mean I know at this point in his career I should expect at least one or two corny bars but wow. Luckily he salvages this and it becomes a poignant moment on the album

Pure Souls – Damn, I feel like I have yet to hear Roddy Rich miss. It wouldn’t be a Kanye album without some kind of examination of success & his come up, so this feels like it belongs. The outro feels a bit odd in terms of the mixing and may have ran 45 seconds too long, but I like this one mainly due to Roddy.

Come to Life – Also may have ran a little longer needlessly, but it’s fine.

No Child Left Behind – Really solid interlude to kick off (what feels like) the home stretch. I’m interested to see how this closes out.

Jail pt 2 – Wait, it’s just the same thing as “Jail” except with different features? I mean admittedly the DaBaby feature is pretty damn good, but couldn’t we have just picked one of these versions and stuck with it?

Also find myself thinking again, because of the specific subject matter of the track: Kanye…my dude…feels like you could’ve asked Justin Vernon what he was doing instead of getting Marilyn Manson on this. Remember how good Vernon was on Yeezus? I mean…bruh.

Ok Ok pt 2 – Same thing…feels like one version could’ve been the album version and one version could’ve been on a deluxe, and it feels like I’m gonna feel like that about these next two as well.

Junya pt 2 – Yup, I was right. I will say that so far I think these part 2’s have been a little more fleshed out, and maybe better, than the first ones for me. Never going to say “no” to a Ty Dolla Sign feature.

Jesus Lord pt 2 – Eh…the features from The LOX are pretty cool, but 11 and a half minutes is just a bit much. Also kind of feel like it diminishes the meaning of this particular song a bit when you have a few too many cooks in the kitchen, I’d prefer the part 1 on this one.

OKAY wow, almost two hours later. So on a first listen, its definitely flawed, most notably because of some legitimately horrendous choices of featured artists & how it could’ve been condensed/cut to form a much tighter project. That being said, it’s really nice to hear so fleshed out of a project from him again, especially after his most recent ones have been no longer than 30 minutes & a few tracks. I think its oddly comforting to hear Kanye take creative risks again even if all of them don’t land for me. I find it somewhat reflective of where he is personally at the moment, and Kanye’s music has always had a very personal touch so this ends up feeling like somewhat of a true “rebirth” for him as an artist. In fact I think it works better as a follow up to 2016’s The Life of Pablo than Ye or Jesus is King did.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I liked it, definitely more than I thought I would after the ridiculous rollout and daunting runtime. I’m definitely going to spend more time on this one, but it’ll likely be after the next piece, where I do the same thing for Drake’s Certified Lover Boy. Thanks for reading my silly opinions, and I hope to see you next time!

Ranking Every Smash Ultimate Character on how Good of a Valentine’s Date They’d Be

A great day to smash…and play video games.

One of the greatest features of Super Smash Bros Ultimate (SSBU) is the wide variety characters across so many unique gaming franchises. One only needs to look at the character selection screen to feel satisfied or overwhelmed with the amount of options they have to play this incredibly fun yet maddeningly frustrating (more-so this to be honest) game with. There’s no other game like it…except one: The “game” of dating.

Bear with me and keep an open mind here. Swiping through countless people on your phone is often as overwhelming as trying to pick which of these 80+ characters you want to try the game with. Dating is also a very irritating experience most of the time for a lot of us, but I think we can all agree that when its good, its very good.

So in honor of Valentine’s Day 2021, and the countless great dates that would’ve been happening on this special V-Day weekend with a Monday off…if the pandemic-relief response was better and everything didn’t kind of suck…today I will be looking at the roster and figuring out which SSBU character would make the best Valentine’s date. Let’s-a-go!

Before we even begin to think about the characters, however, there’s one burning question we need to answer: What makes a great Valentine’s date?

I conducted some research on social media and in multiple group-chats, doing my best to reach out to multiple ethnicities, genders, and sexual orientations. I may be a nerd, but I’d like to think I’m an inclusive nerd. After going through all the good responses I received, laughing at the funny ones, and rolling my eyes at a few that made me cringe, I narrowed it down to five imporant & most often mentioned points.

  1. Being Mindful and Thoughtful: Being “nice” is a good thing, but it’s too vague. Plus, for whoever reading this, basic human decency is something that should probably be something expected rather than praised. Giant romantic gestures aren’t always necessary on dates, but going even a little into that “extra mile” can turn an okay date into a great one. Good listening skills, showing legitimate interest in what someone chooses to share, and planning something for the date that the other person would really appreciate all falls into this point.
  2. Good Communication Skills: This is another one that seems obvious, but doesn’t always happen. Dates, especially Valentine’s dates, often can make someone feel pressured on what to do especially if they don’t know what the other person expects. It’s very important to have a conversation about what you both want out of the date and out of each other as a Valentine. One conversation beforehand can save you from a ton of potential dating disasters.
  3. A Sense of Adventure: Don’t be fooled, even people who’s dating profiles make them sound like couch potatoes want to be taken somewhere nice and do something fun every now and then. The cool thing about the Holiday is that it’s about you, your Valentine, and what you both like to do. It’s encouraged to share a place or activity you love, and a good Valentine will like your enthusiasm and will want to share those experiences with you!
  4. Goes Beyond the Holiday: Look, Valentine’s Day definitely requires someone to bring their A-game…but if that’s the ONLY time you do so, that’s a problem. Someone who follows up great qualities and great days with even more of those things is the kind of person you want as a Valentine, as opposed to someone who only puts in the effort on one day out of the year. We over here at Soggz-Blogs think you deserve better.
  5. Smashing: Duh.

Now that we broke that down, we can start looking at the roster. Unfortunately, I must present to you one more hurdle…weeding out the characters that you definitely should not be on a date with for various reasons. I’m just going to list them out, and you can consider these the “F-Tier”. I don’t want to take away from their unique personalities but dating any of these characters seems like it would be definitely count as some sort of felony. They’re all either clearly a child, not even remotely humanoid, or just make you think “how the fuck would this even work?”. Here they are:

  • Banjo & Kazooie
  • Bowser
  • Bowser Jr.
  • Dark Pit
  • Diddy Kong
  • Donkey Kong (you can date him only if you’ve rejected humanity and returned to monke)
  • Duck Hunt
  • Falco
  • Fox
  • Greninja
  • Ice Climbers
  • Incineroar
  • Inkling
  • Isabelle
  • Jigglypuff
  • King Dedede
  • King K Rool
  • Kirby (Don’t you dare make the obvious joke about swallowing)
  • Lucario
  • Lucas
  • Mega-Man
  • Meta Knight
  • Mewtwo
  • Mr. Game & Watch
  • Ness (if you’re a Ness main that’s complaining about him being here, its okay, you’re a glue-eating dork that no one wants to date anyway. PK-Go-Fuck-Yourself and your little turd of a main.)
  • Olimar
  • Pac-Man
  • Pichu
  • Pikachu
  • Piranha Plant
  • Pit
  • Pokemon Trainer
  • Ridley
  • ROB
  • Sonic (HEDGEHOGS SHOULD NOT KISS HUMANS EVER, HOW IS THIS A THING I HAVE TO SPECIFY?)
  • Toon Link
  • Villager
  • Wolf
  • Yoshi (Too much tongue anyway)
  • Young Link

It might seem like we’ve chased away a lot of characters, which is valid, but this still leaves me with 40 characters to dissect which is still a good amount. That being said, let’s start going into the tiers.

D-TIER

  • Captain Falcon – You ever meet those dudes who, when asked, can talk about all the unique features about their car…but when asked to describe a person they usually give 1-3 word answers? Also it was still super early into the date and he hits you with “Show me your boobs”? No thanks.
  • Shulk – I couldn’t really find anything interesting about Shulk in research so I was going to put him in the C-Tier for just being “meh”…but then I remembered he has a character-skin where he’s wearing little-to-no clothing and that he constantly screams “BACKSLASH!”. Yeah that’s gonna bump him down to the D-Tier.
  • Dark Samus – Okay so Dark Samus is known to absorb the powers of the people she defeats in battle and has an insatiable craving for a highly radioactive substance with mutagenic properties. This just means she will never be satisfied with anything you do.
  • Bayonetta – She’s way too suggestive right from the get-go to the point where I constantly ask myself “how is she from a NINTENDO game?”. Her very character design seems like its something right out of r/MenWritingWomen. Even if we ignore all of that and chalk this up to only making ME personally uncomfortable, there’s another con…way. too. much. hair.
  • Min Min – I don’t know who the fuck this is and why she’s even in this game.
  • Ganondorf – Ganon is the ONLY male amongst his tribe and males are only born once every hundred years, always destined to be the clan ruler. This kind of makes him an entitled asshole by default, I mean if you’re the ONLY guy in a tribe of all women and you’re automatically their King…that seems like a “messiah complex” just waiting to happen. Also he tries to smash way too early into the date, if you know you know (Doriyah!).
  • Hero – I feel like if there are multiple interchangeable versions of you, you probably don’t have very much of an interesting personality to begin with. The time Hero spends deciding what he wants to do is also time you can spend finding a better Valentine.
  • Sephiroth – One of those dudes that is super into “mind games”, he’s 100% going to gaslight you the entire date and it’ll take you months of therapy to get over it.
  • Mii Fighter(s) – Would you really want to date someone that looks exactly like you? Especially a version of you with a yee yee ass haircut? Seriously, Nintendo, whats up with the extremely limited and shitty hair options on the Miis?
  • Wario – Easily the worst of the bunch. He farts very loudly, smells like garlic & motorcycle oil, and he is definitely not apologizing for any of it.

    C-TIER
  • Dr. Mario – This dude is handing out pills WAY too easily. One can clearly deduce that he’s obviously taking money from Big Pharma, and is likely to think a few sniffles warrants a prescription drug. Stay away from this maniac born out of a corrupt healthcare system.
  • Peach – Things seem to be going great when you guys match and when you’re texting. The date gets scheduled and you’re waiting for her when she hits you with a text that she can’t make it because she….got kidnapped…by a giant turtle with horns? Ridiculous, if you’re going to ghost me at least just tell me you’re not up to it instead of making a wild excuse!
  • Snake – Snake’s whole thing is being a master of stealth and infiltration. Odds are if he’s going to such lengths to not be seen, he’s not going to see you for who you are either. The fact that he ages super rapidly AND has lost all that ass from his last appearance in Smash doesn’t help either.
  • The Belmonts (Simon & Richter) – The Belmont boys are both pretty good looking and they have really cool jobs. In SSBU, however, they’re all about maintaining and managing a good distance to get things done. Being kept at a distance isn’t something you want out of a Valentine, it just doesn’t sound fun or fulfilling.
  • Cloud – Its pretty cool that he’s down to take out a giant unethical tech corporation, but in reality Cloud is snarky as hell and that can get pretty annoying. Plus, that sword definitely gives off the impression that he may be compensating.
  • Little Mac – In my research I literally came across something that said “there is not much to Little Mac’s personality”…That’s it, that’s the analysis…I guess.
  • Roy – Apparently a big cornerstone of Roy’s personality is that he’s particularly dense when it comes to talking to anyone who’s interested in him, and girls in general? Big yikes, gotta work on that one chief.
  • Samus – She’s super cool but…did she really wear a full suit of armor to a date? Wow…emotionally closed off much?
  • Sheik – Sheik shows up periodically to teach you how to play a song that will teleport you to a location you’ve already been to. No one wants a Valentine who’s aloof and only takes you to places you’ve experienced before.
  • Luigi – Look…he’s a really sweet guy, but he’s so scared of anything that slightly moves that he’s probably not going to go anywhere or do anything out of the ordinary. There’s also a good chance you’ll end up trapped in a haunted mansion at some point during your date, its happened to him three times already.
  • Steve – He’s too much of a square.
  • Rosalina & Luma – Wow I’m really excited about this date and…oh…look. She brought a friend. That’s not weird or inconvenient at all.
  • Ike – Ike is a basic little fuck that epitomizes the C-tier. Look at what we have here, a strong and silent anime character who loves food and solves all his problems with violence..WHOA I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THOSE BEFORE. Even in SSBU, he’s got like 1-2 moves that can easily be spammed and are super easy to learn. Ike fills me with the same feeling I got during dating when I would scroll over to someone who’s bio said “looking for the Jim to my Pam!”: an unbridled sense of “meh”.

B-TIER

  • Ryu – It’d be really cool to hear about his life as a traveling martial artist, he probably has some great stories and you know he’s dedicated to his craft. The parts about how he’s prone to random surges of murderous intent where he channels the energy of a raging demon are…less than ideal. To his credit, he’ll be honest about that and is still a heroic dude, so he gets to be in the B-tier.
  • Chrom – He’s a strong guy and a charismatic leader, but when it comes to strategy and negotiation he often relies on others for counsel. It might eventually get a little annoying if he’s in a group chat with his friends providing a play-by-play of your date and relying on them for what to do next. You want to date him, not his advisors.
  • Daisy – She’s an energetic and enthusiastic person, a very ideal date if you want to do something less traditional and more fun. However, canon says she has a tendency to talk down to people. Not a dealbreaker, but can definitely be a problem on a date if she happens to snap at a service worker…they deserve a lot better.
  • Robin – Robin is a master tactician and strategist. A very kind person and you can bet that your Valentine’s weekend will be meticulously planned out to the last detail…but he/she doesn’t get to be in the A-Tier because honestly, some spontaneity is always welcome when it comes to V-Day and dating in general.
  • Link – Great guy, great hero who will take you all over this magical land and on a ton of adventures. It’s just a little sad that he can only communicate via yelling.
  • Byleth – I don’t know much about Byleth, but I know Smash fans are needlessly tough on the character. Seems fun enough to play against, so why B-Tier? Look, any Asian-American millennial can tell you that various types of pressure from their family often comes into their dating life. Byleth has to answer to THREE. HOUSES….THREE HOUSES?? This is going to be a rough time.
  • Mario – This guy is great at everything: Plumbing, Tennis, Go-Karting, Olympic Sports, Partying, etc. Unfortunately he’s almost always on shrooms.
  • Wii Fit Trainer – I like to think of the B-Tier as “great to date with a slight flaw that might get in the way”, and Wii Fit Trainer defines this more than any other character. They’ll take you on fun and active dates, they work on their body constantly, they’re motivating and encouraging. HOWEVER…they talk about fitness just a little too much to the point where they sound like an instagram influencer in real life. Sorry Trainer, sometimes I just want to make baked mac & cheese and watch youtube videos.

A-TIER

  • Zero Suit Samus – Its everything good about Samus, plus she’s starting to come out of her shell and trust you more! That sets a better foundation to move forward with dating her. That being said, its way easier said than done to do that though so props!
  • Marth – Not much else to unpack other than the fact that he’s seemingly just an overall great and compassionate guy. Rare for someone with a royal background, so your “happily ever after” fantasies can actually come true with him.
  • Palutena – She’s a literal Goddess of Light, known for being exceptionally wise and kind…AND she can communicate telepathically. Too much conversation can be a problem sometimes especially if it feels forced, with Palutena everything that needs to be acknowledged is already known.
  • Joker – This dude is all about rescuing you from a life of oppression, finding freedom in a troubled world, and he’s totally okay with you being vulnerable around him…what a stud, right? (I should probably really play Persona 5 already).
  • Lucina – Lucina’s character arc involves her trying to alter a “darkest timeline” that she came from. She’s definitely seen some rough things, and she decided to do everything she can so that others don’t see those same things, and I think that’s really admirable. She has a tendency to be a little paranoid, but I think it comes from an innocent place so we’ll keep her in the A-Tier.
  • Ken – He’s the rich son of a Hotel tycoon BUT, in a rare display of good parenting in a nerdy franchise, his Dad wanted him to learn discipline and not be a spoiled brat. So he left Ken with his best friend who happened to be a martial arts master, and Ken turned into someone with a really pure heart (despite the occasional moment of braggadocio). He’s fun, humble, tough, and you probably get to go to a super fancy restaurant.
  • Corrin – Aside from being a very caring person, Corrin is also said to have a way with animals and can befriend them easily. Wow, someone who’s awesome AND who you could totally adopt multiple cats and dogs with? Isn’t that the long term goal anyway?…since the idea of having children has been fading more and more from our generation anyway due to the lack of response to a disastrous economy and a rapidly decaying environment?
  • Zelda – She holds the Triforce of Wisdom and she’s very compassionate. She’s a princess that doesn’t just sit around ordering people around, and she clearly communicates what she needs.
  • Terry – Dude takes the initiative to ask about you. If he senses that you’re having a bad day, he’ll always ask you…”Are you okay?”. How thoughtful!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is all of the Smash Characters. Even though we’ve gone through all of them and the different personalities now, it still might feel like you don’t know who would make the best Valentine. Well fear not, there’s one more option, and they’re the only one in the S-Tier…but who might that be?

You. You would make the best Valentine, and you deserve to celebrate this day with the best. There is no one universally perfect person to date, but there is someone out there who’s damn near perfect for YOU, and you are similarly that perfection for someone else. Even if you might not quite be with that person, a celebration of love shouldn’t be confined to “romance”, as love (in all of its forms) is something every human has for multiple people, places, and things in their lifetime. So on this quarantined Valentine’s day, you owe it to yourself to do something you love with someone you love. Most importantly, you also deserve to love yourself because life is too precious not to.

Have a happy Valentine’s day from Soggz-Blogs, hope you stay safe out there.

3 stock, best of 5, no items, hazards off, right now!