Think back and remember your millennial self in the summer of 2011. You’re standing in a long line outside of your local theater. Its the middle of July, but you’re still wearing a scarf with colors corresponding to your Hogwarts house. You’re in line to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2, and for many of you, this is when you’re claiming something like “it feels like my childhood is ending!”.
Fast forward to where you were on the night of November 8th, 2016. There he is, the guy you’ve loathed ever since he announced his candidacy. You probably voted for who would’ve been the first female president (or you were a colossal moron and wrote in “Harambe”), but it slowly became clear that no glass ceilings were being broken that night. Over the next four years, a lot of you would come to say something along the lines of “man…being an adult fucking sucks…”
Its never been a surprise to me that our generation, who is so obsessed with the Wizarding World Franchise that younger Zoomers think we’re weird for being 30 and still identifying with a Hogwarts House, would compare a President like Donald Trump to a fictional character like the Dark Lord Voldemort. With internet memes being such a significant part of social capital, nerd culture absolutely dominating our zeitgeist, and the prominence of JK Rowling’s books and their Hollywood adaptations when we were kids, the comparison was just begging to be made from day one. Its also no secret that, my personal feelings on Trump aside, many fellow millennials (especially those of us in big cities) overwhelmingly did not like this dude and felt like we weren’t the ones that put him into office (hell, we barely vote to begin with). However, that’s not what I’m here to complain about.
If it wasn’t obvious from everything about me, of course I love real-life/pop-culture comparisons. What I don’t appreciate is laziness, and the X amount of “Trump’s Horcruxes” articles, memes, and posts have all left me disappointed as hell. Look at this one I saw floating around instagram as an example:
Sure, this works if you think a Horcrux is “any common thing associated with Trump” but that’s not really what it is, is it? Also come on, how are you going to destroy a twitter account or a news network with Godric Gryffindor’s sword or a Basilisk Fang, those are intangible things and we very clearly know from the series that Horcruxes have to be tangible. Even the bullshit with Harry’s soul was simplified as “Harry is the last Horcrux” for readers/viewers.
Furthermore the Horcruxes all had a lot of value to Voldemort and were very unique items, he went as far as to attempt creating one for every Hogwarts house (giving up on trying to make one out of Ol’ Godric’s sword when he couldn’t find it). Yeah I get it, he likes golf, but I don’t think he’d particularly care enough about any old Mar-A-Lago golf cart to make a Horcrux out of it. Also, a red tie? The thing that EVERY Republican ever wears? We can do better, and that’s what we’re going to do today.
Today I will be looking at Voldemort’s Horcruxes and finding apt comparisons for Donald Trump’s hypothetical counterparts.
- TOM RIDDLE’S DIARY
This was the very first one, and the most personal. Of all the Horcruxes Voldy had, this item clearly belongs to him. When we see it in the story, the diary was given to Ginny Weasley and the dark magic influenced her to do some really bad things. Anyone who knew her beforehand would say that everything she did with the Chamber of Secrets was very out of character for her. She had quite the emotional dependency on this diary, and Voldy said he “grew stronger and stronger on a diet of her deepest fears, her darkest secrets.”
Well…I know someone who seems like they got brainwashed out of nowhere due to Trump’s magic and influence, and we all knew it was real and not a joke when he acquired a special signature item from Trump.
KANYE WEST’S SIGNED MAGA HAT
Ginny before the diary was a good kid, the least likely of the Weasley children to get into trouble or be a problem child for their parents. Kanye before the MAGA hat? “George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People” anyone?
2. MARVOLO GAUNT’S RING
This was a trickier one for me. The Gaunt ring belonged to another Slytherin family, albeit one that presumably wouldn’t really have been on board with Voldy’s “vision”. Voldy himself called Marvolo Gaunt “an ignorant old git” who simply thought that having pure-blood made him royal. Then again, we do know that even if certain Slytherins aren’t down with the process of Voldy’s “new world order”, its not like they’re not going to try and reap the benefits.
So I thought to myself: “Who do we know that was a pretty well known Republican, was outspoken against Trump, but immediately folds when pressure is applied, and didn’t come through for things that mattered like the rushed vote to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg?…and what item would such a person be famous for?”.
MITT ROMNEY’S BINDER FULL OF WOMEN
Depending on these “potential Republican swing votes” like Romney and Susan Collins rarely ever worked (most notable exception being the late John McCain and his thumbs-down vote regarding the ACA). My apologies go out to anyone who supports the Democrats, but the “Jeff Flakes” of the world are still not on your side at the end of the day…Romney himself voted in line with Trump 75% of the time. I picked Romney because he was the GOP presidential candidate previous to Trump, was one of the most high-profile Republican critics of Trump, yet he still eventually kissed the ring when it was good for him. I picked his legendary binder because, just like an actual Deathly Hallow, us regular wizards probably aren’t sure if it actually exists, yet wouldn’t be surprised if it did.
3. SALAZAR SLYTHERIN’S LOCKET
This one was much easier. Salazar Slytherin’s philosophies were the “blueprint” for a lot of what Voldy eventually did, even though Voldy was a lot less subtle about it all.
It’s got to be obvious where I’m going with this, there’s one revered “Grandfather”figure for the modern day Conservative, and his vision continues to be the one that’s acted upon.
RONALD REAGAN’S PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM
Look, for the past four years I’ve heard (from Democrats and Republicans alike) things along the lines of “This is not what the party of Reagan stands for! He would never approve of Trump!”. Uh…news flash, yes he would. Are you kidding me? This WHOLE idea of benefiting corporations instead of people, thinning out the middle class, trickle down economics (proven time and time again by actual economists to be a horrible policy), etc…who do you people think started all of that? If Trump gets compared to Voldemort, Ronald Reagan is his Salazar Slytherin without a doubt.
4. HELGA HUFFLEPUFF’S CUP
When I was thinking about this one I realized that, of all the items on this list, a cup is the most common one. It’s something everyone has, but what was important to Voldy was WHO it belonged to. The “who” aspect of this Horcrux made it so important that Voldy decided to lock this one in an unbreakable vault.
When thinking about the rise of Trump in general and what item from someone in an “opposing house” could be used for this, the one that made the most sense suddenly hit me.
BARACK OBAMA’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE
Its a very common item, everybody has one…but Trump made a huge deal about THIS one because it belonged to another President (and…you know…the other reason). For a lot of people, the “birther scandal” was one of the first political controversies that brought attention to Trump. It felt appropriate that the actual certificate had to be one of the Horcruxes, being so important to his “origin story” and all.
5. ROWENA RAVENCLAW’S DIADEM
Another item that belonged to a fellow Hogwarts Founder, although this one is a little more unique to Rowena herself. The other unique thing about the Diadem is that it was supposed to enhance the wisdom of the wearer.
So another item unique to a “rival”, something that’s supposed to offer some perspective, and something to do with Trump? Done.
THE VERY FIRST COPY OF HILLARY CLINTON’S WHAT HAPPENED
Now obviously I’m not saying “READ THIS BOOK AND BE SMARTER”, but critics have said that the best part about this book is a more personal look behind Clinton’s experience of being the first female candidate, running against someone like Trump, winning the popular vote, etc. Readers have said it’s quite interesting to read a firsthand account of all the times Hillary felt like she couldn’t react to something Trump was doing, and the fact that this item is a revelatory experience made it make sense to me to function as the Diadem.
Dumbledore once said “I think he is perhaps as fond of her as he can be of anything. He certainly likes to keep her close and has an unusual amount of control over her, even for a Parselmouth.”
Yeah, this one’s probably the most obvious.
7. HARRY POTTER
So this is another obvious one. When all is said and done there’s one guy who managed to do what seemed impossible, and actually beat Trump.
Some of you might be saying “come on, really? Is this the best comparison for THE Harry Potter?” In this hypothetical and from Trump’s perspective…yeah, kind of? Of all of his political opponents, Joe was the guy that Trump went to the Ukraine for dirt on. If that didn’t make it obvious that Trump was scared at the thought of Joe being the Democratic nominee, I don’t know what does.
On top of that, those of us who started following the results from the minute polls closed thought it looked grim, and that Joe was done for. Then he managed to pull a decisive victory out of a very stressful situation. Say what you will about Joe, but he got it done and made the Dark Lord look like a fool in the process.
There you have it, the (in my opinion) ACTUAL would-be Horcruxes of Donald Trump. Thanks for reading, hope you tune in next time!…
…Or maybe we can do more. If you’ve made it this far and are fully on board with my commitment to being extra, let’s apply the same logic to Trump’s cabinet/team and take a quick look at some Death Eater comparisons. That’s right, Soggz-Blogs posts come with bonus content now.
LUCIUS MALFOY – WILLIAM BARR
Barr was the “Lawful Evil” counterpart to Trump’s “Chaotic Evil” in the administration, he could always find a way to use the legal system to Trump’s advantage to get things done. Just like how Lucius straight up bailed once it became clear that Voldy was losing, Barr was seemingly the first very high-profile person on Trump’s team to admit defeat and say that Joe Biden won the election.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE – KELLYANNE CONWAY
Very loyal to their Dark Lord, will say and do insane things, terrifying to look at.
BARTY CROUCH JR. – RUDY GIULIANI
Crazy (would be an understatement for both), creepy, dangerous, had their soul removed at some point.
FENRIR GREYBACK – MITCH MCCONNELL
Okay, I get it, COMPLETELY different in demeanor…but think about them functionally. Greyback’s whole deal was to strike fear into the opposition and shut down everything they could throw at the Death Eaters. Moscow Mitch over here has been killing bills and causing havoc for the Democrats before Trump was even in office. They both serve as the greatest disruptor for their enemy. It made sense to me…even though Greyback is a werewolf and Mitch looks like what would happen if there was a lone turtle roaming the streets of New York and, instead of radioactive ooze turning him into a crimefighting ninja, a hedge fund manager was taking a leak in an alley and didn’t notice what he was peeing on until, boom, a Republican was born.
IGOR KARKAROFF – REX TILLERSON
Worked with Trump for a while, defected (and didn’t seem all too broken up about it) and talked a bunch of shit behind Trump’s back. “Fucking Moron” was the term used, I believe?.
PETER PETTIGREW – STEPHEN MILLER
I feel like I should make it clear that, of both Voldy and Trump’s Death Eaters, these two are my absolute least favorite so there may be some bias here. Both of these little rats answer the question “What if that incel you knew in school became the right-hand man to someone with a lot of power and influence with the ability to do crazy shit?” Both of these guys have done some real damage in the name of their Dark Lord, Miller himself was looking to end birthright citizenship! Hasan Minhaj said it best; Stephen Miller is the type of guy to deport his own hair for being brown…and Peter Pettigrew also just plain sucks.
DOLORES UMBRIDGE – BETSY DEVOS
Finally, we end on this one. Umbridge wasn’t really a Death Eater, she was kind of just someone unqualified to be in a position of power who somehow ended up with one, and that sentiment has big DeVos energy already. Furthermore, in both cases, “students” was the demographic got hurt the most because of their policies. I know that Nikki Haley at the RNC made some comments that got meme’d to mimic Umbridge, but when you really look into it, DeVos is the appropriate comparison.
Okay NOW we’re done. Man, does it feel good to be doing stupid stuff like this again.