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Ranking Every Smash Ultimate Character on how Good of a Valentine’s Date They’d Be

A great day to smash…and play video games.

One of the greatest features of Super Smash Bros Ultimate (SSBU) is the wide variety characters across so many unique gaming franchises. One only needs to look at the character selection screen to feel satisfied or overwhelmed with the amount of options they have to play this incredibly fun yet maddeningly frustrating (more-so this to be honest) game with. There’s no other game like it…except one: The “game” of dating.

Bear with me and keep an open mind here. Swiping through countless people on your phone is often as overwhelming as trying to pick which of these 80+ characters you want to try the game with. Dating is also a very irritating experience most of the time for a lot of us, but I think we can all agree that when its good, its very good.

So in honor of Valentine’s Day 2021, and the countless great dates that would’ve been happening on this special V-Day weekend with a Monday off…if the pandemic-relief response was better and everything didn’t kind of suck…today I will be looking at the roster and figuring out which SSBU character would make the best Valentine’s date. Let’s-a-go!

Before we even begin to think about the characters, however, there’s one burning question we need to answer: What makes a great Valentine’s date?

I conducted some research on social media and in multiple group-chats, doing my best to reach out to multiple ethnicities, genders, and sexual orientations. I may be a nerd, but I’d like to think I’m an inclusive nerd. After going through all the good responses I received, laughing at the funny ones, and rolling my eyes at a few that made me cringe, I narrowed it down to five imporant & most often mentioned points.

  1. Being Mindful and Thoughtful: Being “nice” is a good thing, but it’s too vague. Plus, for whoever reading this, basic human decency is something that should probably be something expected rather than praised. Giant romantic gestures aren’t always necessary on dates, but going even a little into that “extra mile” can turn an okay date into a great one. Good listening skills, showing legitimate interest in what someone chooses to share, and planning something for the date that the other person would really appreciate all falls into this point.
  2. Good Communication Skills: This is another one that seems obvious, but doesn’t always happen. Dates, especially Valentine’s dates, often can make someone feel pressured on what to do especially if they don’t know what the other person expects. It’s very important to have a conversation about what you both want out of the date and out of each other as a Valentine. One conversation beforehand can save you from a ton of potential dating disasters.
  3. A Sense of Adventure: Don’t be fooled, even people who’s dating profiles make them sound like couch potatoes want to be taken somewhere nice and do something fun every now and then. The cool thing about the Holiday is that it’s about you, your Valentine, and what you both like to do. It’s encouraged to share a place or activity you love, and a good Valentine will like your enthusiasm and will want to share those experiences with you!
  4. Goes Beyond the Holiday: Look, Valentine’s Day definitely requires someone to bring their A-game…but if that’s the ONLY time you do so, that’s a problem. Someone who follows up great qualities and great days with even more of those things is the kind of person you want as a Valentine, as opposed to someone who only puts in the effort on one day out of the year. We over here at Soggz-Blogs think you deserve better.
  5. Smashing: Duh.

Now that we broke that down, we can start looking at the roster. Unfortunately, I must present to you one more hurdle…weeding out the characters that you definitely should not be on a date with for various reasons. I’m just going to list them out, and you can consider these the “F-Tier”. I don’t want to take away from their unique personalities but dating any of these characters seems like it would be definitely count as some sort of felony. They’re all either clearly a child, not even remotely humanoid, or just make you think “how the fuck would this even work?”. Here they are:

  • Banjo & Kazooie
  • Bowser
  • Bowser Jr.
  • Dark Pit
  • Diddy Kong
  • Donkey Kong (you can date him only if you’ve rejected humanity and returned to monke)
  • Duck Hunt
  • Falco
  • Fox
  • Greninja
  • Ice Climbers
  • Incineroar
  • Inkling
  • Isabelle
  • Jigglypuff
  • King Dedede
  • King K Rool
  • Kirby (Don’t you dare make the obvious joke about swallowing)
  • Lucario
  • Lucas
  • Mega-Man
  • Meta Knight
  • Mewtwo
  • Mr. Game & Watch
  • Ness (if you’re a Ness main that’s complaining about him being here, its okay, you’re a glue-eating dork that no one wants to date anyway. PK-Go-Fuck-Yourself and your little turd of a main.)
  • Olimar
  • Pac-Man
  • Pichu
  • Pikachu
  • Piranha Plant
  • Pit
  • Pokemon Trainer
  • Ridley
  • ROB
  • Sonic (HEDGEHOGS SHOULD NOT KISS HUMANS EVER, HOW IS THIS A THING I HAVE TO SPECIFY?)
  • Toon Link
  • Villager
  • Wolf
  • Yoshi (Too much tongue anyway)
  • Young Link

It might seem like we’ve chased away a lot of characters, which is valid, but this still leaves me with 40 characters to dissect which is still a good amount. That being said, let’s start going into the tiers.

D-TIER

  • Captain Falcon – You ever meet those dudes who, when asked, can talk about all the unique features about their car…but when asked to describe a person they usually give 1-3 word answers? Also it was still super early into the date and he hits you with “Show me your boobs”? No thanks.
  • Shulk – I couldn’t really find anything interesting about Shulk in research so I was going to put him in the C-Tier for just being “meh”…but then I remembered he has a character-skin where he’s wearing little-to-no clothing and that he constantly screams “BACKSLASH!”. Yeah that’s gonna bump him down to the D-Tier.
  • Dark Samus – Okay so Dark Samus is known to absorb the powers of the people she defeats in battle and has an insatiable craving for a highly radioactive substance with mutagenic properties. This just means she will never be satisfied with anything you do.
  • Bayonetta – She’s way too suggestive right from the get-go to the point where I constantly ask myself “how is she from a NINTENDO game?”. Her very character design seems like its something right out of r/MenWritingWomen. Even if we ignore all of that and chalk this up to only making ME personally uncomfortable, there’s another con…way. too. much. hair.
  • Min Min – I don’t know who the fuck this is and why she’s even in this game.
  • Ganondorf – Ganon is the ONLY male amongst his tribe and males are only born once every hundred years, always destined to be the clan ruler. This kind of makes him an entitled asshole by default, I mean if you’re the ONLY guy in a tribe of all women and you’re automatically their King…that seems like a “messiah complex” just waiting to happen. Also he tries to smash way too early into the date, if you know you know (Doriyah!).
  • Hero – I feel like if there are multiple interchangeable versions of you, you probably don’t have very much of an interesting personality to begin with. The time Hero spends deciding what he wants to do is also time you can spend finding a better Valentine.
  • Sephiroth – One of those dudes that is super into “mind games”, he’s 100% going to gaslight you the entire date and it’ll take you months of therapy to get over it.
  • Mii Fighter(s) – Would you really want to date someone that looks exactly like you? Especially a version of you with a yee yee ass haircut? Seriously, Nintendo, whats up with the extremely limited and shitty hair options on the Miis?
  • Wario – Easily the worst of the bunch. He farts very loudly, smells like garlic & motorcycle oil, and he is definitely not apologizing for any of it.

    C-TIER
  • Dr. Mario – This dude is handing out pills WAY too easily. One can clearly deduce that he’s obviously taking money from Big Pharma, and is likely to think a few sniffles warrants a prescription drug. Stay away from this maniac born out of a corrupt healthcare system.
  • Peach – Things seem to be going great when you guys match and when you’re texting. The date gets scheduled and you’re waiting for her when she hits you with a text that she can’t make it because she….got kidnapped…by a giant turtle with horns? Ridiculous, if you’re going to ghost me at least just tell me you’re not up to it instead of making a wild excuse!
  • Snake – Snake’s whole thing is being a master of stealth and infiltration. Odds are if he’s going to such lengths to not be seen, he’s not going to see you for who you are either. The fact that he ages super rapidly AND has lost all that ass from his last appearance in Smash doesn’t help either.
  • The Belmonts (Simon & Richter) – The Belmont boys are both pretty good looking and they have really cool jobs. In SSBU, however, they’re all about maintaining and managing a good distance to get things done. Being kept at a distance isn’t something you want out of a Valentine, it just doesn’t sound fun or fulfilling.
  • Cloud – Its pretty cool that he’s down to take out a giant unethical tech corporation, but in reality Cloud is snarky as hell and that can get pretty annoying. Plus, that sword definitely gives off the impression that he may be compensating.
  • Little Mac – In my research I literally came across something that said “there is not much to Little Mac’s personality”…That’s it, that’s the analysis…I guess.
  • Roy – Apparently a big cornerstone of Roy’s personality is that he’s particularly dense when it comes to talking to anyone who’s interested in him, and girls in general? Big yikes, gotta work on that one chief.
  • Samus – She’s super cool but…did she really wear a full suit of armor to a date? Wow…emotionally closed off much?
  • Sheik – Sheik shows up periodically to teach you how to play a song that will teleport you to a location you’ve already been to. No one wants a Valentine who’s aloof and only takes you to places you’ve experienced before.
  • Luigi – Look…he’s a really sweet guy, but he’s so scared of anything that slightly moves that he’s probably not going to go anywhere or do anything out of the ordinary. There’s also a good chance you’ll end up trapped in a haunted mansion at some point during your date, its happened to him three times already.
  • Steve – He’s too much of a square.
  • Rosalina & Luma – Wow I’m really excited about this date and…oh…look. She brought a friend. That’s not weird or inconvenient at all.
  • Ike – Ike is a basic little fuck that epitomizes the C-tier. Look at what we have here, a strong and silent anime character who loves food and solves all his problems with violence..WHOA I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THOSE BEFORE. Even in SSBU, he’s got like 1-2 moves that can easily be spammed and are super easy to learn. Ike fills me with the same feeling I got during dating when I would scroll over to someone who’s bio said “looking for the Jim to my Pam!”: an unbridled sense of “meh”.

B-TIER

  • Ryu – It’d be really cool to hear about his life as a traveling martial artist, he probably has some great stories and you know he’s dedicated to his craft. The parts about how he’s prone to random surges of murderous intent where he channels the energy of a raging demon are…less than ideal. To his credit, he’ll be honest about that and is still a heroic dude, so he gets to be in the B-tier.
  • Chrom – He’s a strong guy and a charismatic leader, but when it comes to strategy and negotiation he often relies on others for counsel. It might eventually get a little annoying if he’s in a group chat with his friends providing a play-by-play of your date and relying on them for what to do next. You want to date him, not his advisors.
  • Daisy – She’s an energetic and enthusiastic person, a very ideal date if you want to do something less traditional and more fun. However, canon says she has a tendency to talk down to people. Not a dealbreaker, but can definitely be a problem on a date if she happens to snap at a service worker…they deserve a lot better.
  • Robin – Robin is a master tactician and strategist. A very kind person and you can bet that your Valentine’s weekend will be meticulously planned out to the last detail…but he/she doesn’t get to be in the A-Tier because honestly, some spontaneity is always welcome when it comes to V-Day and dating in general.
  • Link – Great guy, great hero who will take you all over this magical land and on a ton of adventures. It’s just a little sad that he can only communicate via yelling.
  • Byleth – I don’t know much about Byleth, but I know Smash fans are needlessly tough on the character. Seems fun enough to play against, so why B-Tier? Look, any Asian-American millennial can tell you that various types of pressure from their family often comes into their dating life. Byleth has to answer to THREE. HOUSES….THREE HOUSES?? This is going to be a rough time.
  • Mario – This guy is great at everything: Plumbing, Tennis, Go-Karting, Olympic Sports, Partying, etc. Unfortunately he’s almost always on shrooms.
  • Wii Fit Trainer – I like to think of the B-Tier as “great to date with a slight flaw that might get in the way”, and Wii Fit Trainer defines this more than any other character. They’ll take you on fun and active dates, they work on their body constantly, they’re motivating and encouraging. HOWEVER…they talk about fitness just a little too much to the point where they sound like an instagram influencer in real life. Sorry Trainer, sometimes I just want to make baked mac & cheese and watch youtube videos.

A-TIER

  • Zero Suit Samus – Its everything good about Samus, plus she’s starting to come out of her shell and trust you more! That sets a better foundation to move forward with dating her. That being said, its way easier said than done to do that though so props!
  • Marth – Not much else to unpack other than the fact that he’s seemingly just an overall great and compassionate guy. Rare for someone with a royal background, so your “happily ever after” fantasies can actually come true with him.
  • Palutena – She’s a literal Goddess of Light, known for being exceptionally wise and kind…AND she can communicate telepathically. Too much conversation can be a problem sometimes especially if it feels forced, with Palutena everything that needs to be acknowledged is already known.
  • Joker – This dude is all about rescuing you from a life of oppression, finding freedom in a troubled world, and he’s totally okay with you being vulnerable around him…what a stud, right? (I should probably really play Persona 5 already).
  • Lucina – Lucina’s character arc involves her trying to alter a “darkest timeline” that she came from. She’s definitely seen some rough things, and she decided to do everything she can so that others don’t see those same things, and I think that’s really admirable. She has a tendency to be a little paranoid, but I think it comes from an innocent place so we’ll keep her in the A-Tier.
  • Ken – He’s the rich son of a Hotel tycoon BUT, in a rare display of good parenting in a nerdy franchise, his Dad wanted him to learn discipline and not be a spoiled brat. So he left Ken with his best friend who happened to be a martial arts master, and Ken turned into someone with a really pure heart (despite the occasional moment of braggadocio). He’s fun, humble, tough, and you probably get to go to a super fancy restaurant.
  • Corrin – Aside from being a very caring person, Corrin is also said to have a way with animals and can befriend them easily. Wow, someone who’s awesome AND who you could totally adopt multiple cats and dogs with? Isn’t that the long term goal anyway?…since the idea of having children has been fading more and more from our generation anyway due to the lack of response to a disastrous economy and a rapidly decaying environment?
  • Zelda – She holds the Triforce of Wisdom and she’s very compassionate. She’s a princess that doesn’t just sit around ordering people around, and she clearly communicates what she needs.
  • Terry – Dude takes the initiative to ask about you. If he senses that you’re having a bad day, he’ll always ask you…”Are you okay?”. How thoughtful!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is all of the Smash Characters. Even though we’ve gone through all of them and the different personalities now, it still might feel like you don’t know who would make the best Valentine. Well fear not, there’s one more option, and they’re the only one in the S-Tier…but who might that be?

You. You would make the best Valentine, and you deserve to celebrate this day with the best. There is no one universally perfect person to date, but there is someone out there who’s damn near perfect for YOU, and you are similarly that perfection for someone else. Even if you might not quite be with that person, a celebration of love shouldn’t be confined to “romance”, as love (in all of its forms) is something every human has for multiple people, places, and things in their lifetime. So on this quarantined Valentine’s day, you owe it to yourself to do something you love with someone you love. Most importantly, you also deserve to love yourself because life is too precious not to.

Have a happy Valentine’s day from Soggz-Blogs, hope you stay safe out there.

3 stock, best of 5, no items, hazards off, right now!

A More Attentive and Critical Look at Donald Trump’s Seven Horcruxes

Constant vigilance! Especially with pop-culture comparisons!

Think back and remember your millennial self in the summer of 2011. You’re standing in a long line outside of your local theater. Its the middle of July, but you’re still wearing a scarf with colors corresponding to your Hogwarts house. You’re in line to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2, and for many of you, this is when you’re claiming something like “it feels like my childhood is ending!”.

Fast forward to where you were on the night of November 8th, 2016. There he is, the guy you’ve loathed ever since he announced his candidacy. You probably voted for who would’ve been the first female president (or you were a colossal moron and wrote in “Harambe”), but it slowly became clear that no glass ceilings were being broken that night. Over the next four years, a lot of you would come to say something along the lines of “man…being an adult fucking sucks…”

Its never been a surprise to me that our generation, who is so obsessed with the Wizarding World Franchise that younger Zoomers think we’re weird for being 30 and still identifying with a Hogwarts House, would compare a President like Donald Trump to a fictional character like the Dark Lord Voldemort. With internet memes being such a significant part of social capital, nerd culture absolutely dominating our zeitgeist, and the prominence of JK Rowling’s books and their Hollywood adaptations when we were kids, the comparison was just begging to be made from day one. Its also no secret that, my personal feelings on Trump aside, many fellow millennials (especially those of us in big cities) overwhelmingly did not like this dude and felt like we weren’t the ones that put him into office (hell, we barely vote to begin with). However, that’s not what I’m here to complain about.

If it wasn’t obvious from everything about me, of course I love real-life/pop-culture comparisons. What I don’t appreciate is laziness, and the X amount of “Trump’s Horcruxes” articles, memes, and posts have all left me disappointed as hell. Look at this one I saw floating around instagram as an example:

Sure, this works if you think a Horcrux is “any common thing associated with Trump” but that’s not really what it is, is it? Also come on, how are you going to destroy a twitter account or a news network with Godric Gryffindor’s sword or a Basilisk Fang, those are intangible things and we very clearly know from the series that Horcruxes have to be tangible. Even the bullshit with Harry’s soul was simplified as “Harry is the last Horcrux” for readers/viewers.

Furthermore the Horcruxes all had a lot of value to Voldemort and were very unique items, he went as far as to attempt creating one for every Hogwarts house (giving up on trying to make one out of Ol’ Godric’s sword when he couldn’t find it). Yeah I get it, he likes golf, but I don’t think he’d particularly care enough about any old Mar-A-Lago golf cart to make a Horcrux out of it. Also, a red tie? The thing that EVERY Republican ever wears? We can do better, and that’s what we’re going to do today.

Today I will be looking at Voldemort’s Horcruxes and finding apt comparisons for Donald Trump’s hypothetical counterparts.

  1. TOM RIDDLE’S DIARY

This was the very first one, and the most personal. Of all the Horcruxes Voldy had, this item clearly belongs to him. When we see it in the story, the diary was given to Ginny Weasley and the dark magic influenced her to do some really bad things. Anyone who knew her beforehand would say that everything she did with the Chamber of Secrets was very out of character for her. She had quite the emotional dependency on this diary, and Voldy said he “grew stronger and stronger on a diet of her deepest fears, her darkest secrets.”

Well…I know someone who seems like they got brainwashed out of nowhere due to Trump’s magic and influence, and we all knew it was real and not a joke when he acquired a special signature item from Trump.

KANYE WEST’S SIGNED MAGA HAT

Ginny before the diary was a good kid, the least likely of the Weasley children to get into trouble or be a problem child for their parents. Kanye before the MAGA hat? “George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People” anyone?

2. MARVOLO GAUNT’S RING

This was a trickier one for me. The Gaunt ring belonged to another Slytherin family, albeit one that presumably wouldn’t really have been on board with Voldy’s “vision”. Voldy himself called Marvolo Gaunt “an ignorant old git” who simply thought that having pure-blood made him royal. Then again, we do know that even if certain Slytherins aren’t down with the process of Voldy’s “new world order”, its not like they’re not going to try and reap the benefits.

So I thought to myself: “Who do we know that was a pretty well known Republican, was outspoken against Trump, but immediately folds when pressure is applied, and didn’t come through for things that mattered like the rushed vote to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg?…and what item would such a person be famous for?”.

MITT ROMNEY’S BINDER FULL OF WOMEN

Depending on these “potential Republican swing votes” like Romney and Susan Collins rarely ever worked (most notable exception being the late John McCain and his thumbs-down vote regarding the ACA). My apologies go out to anyone who supports the Democrats, but the “Jeff Flakes” of the world are still not on your side at the end of the day…Romney himself voted in line with Trump 75% of the time. I picked Romney because he was the GOP presidential candidate previous to Trump, was one of the most high-profile Republican critics of Trump, yet he still eventually kissed the ring when it was good for him. I picked his legendary binder because, just like an actual Deathly Hallow, us regular wizards probably aren’t sure if it actually exists, yet wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

3. SALAZAR SLYTHERIN’S LOCKET

This one was much easier. Salazar Slytherin’s philosophies were the “blueprint” for a lot of what Voldy eventually did, even though Voldy was a lot less subtle about it all.

It’s got to be obvious where I’m going with this, there’s one revered “Grandfather”figure for the modern day Conservative, and his vision continues to be the one that’s acted upon.

RONALD REAGAN’S PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM

Look, for the past four years I’ve heard (from Democrats and Republicans alike) things along the lines of “This is not what the party of Reagan stands for! He would never approve of Trump!”. Uh…news flash, yes he would. Are you kidding me? This WHOLE idea of benefiting corporations instead of people, thinning out the middle class, trickle down economics (proven time and time again by actual economists to be a horrible policy), etc…who do you people think started all of that? If Trump gets compared to Voldemort, Ronald Reagan is his Salazar Slytherin without a doubt.

4. HELGA HUFFLEPUFF’S CUP

When I was thinking about this one I realized that, of all the items on this list, a cup is the most common one. It’s something everyone has, but what was important to Voldy was WHO it belonged to. The “who” aspect of this Horcrux made it so important that Voldy decided to lock this one in an unbreakable vault.

When thinking about the rise of Trump in general and what item from someone in an “opposing house” could be used for this, the one that made the most sense suddenly hit me.

BARACK OBAMA’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Its a very common item, everybody has one…but Trump made a huge deal about THIS one because it belonged to another President (and…you know…the other reason). For a lot of people, the “birther scandal” was one of the first political controversies that brought attention to Trump. It felt appropriate that the actual certificate had to be one of the Horcruxes, being so important to his “origin story” and all.

5. ROWENA RAVENCLAW’S DIADEM

Another item that belonged to a fellow Hogwarts Founder, although this one is a little more unique to Rowena herself. The other unique thing about the Diadem is that it was supposed to enhance the wisdom of the wearer.

So another item unique to a “rival”, something that’s supposed to offer some perspective, and something to do with Trump? Done.

THE VERY FIRST COPY OF HILLARY CLINTON’S WHAT HAPPENED

Now obviously I’m not saying “READ THIS BOOK AND BE SMARTER”, but critics have said that the best part about this book is a more personal look behind Clinton’s experience of being the first female candidate, running against someone like Trump, winning the popular vote, etc. Readers have said it’s quite interesting to read a firsthand account of all the times Hillary felt like she couldn’t react to something Trump was doing, and the fact that this item is a revelatory experience made it make sense to me to function as the Diadem.

6. NAGINI

Dumbledore once said “I think he is perhaps as fond of her as he can be of anything. He certainly likes to keep her close and has an unusual amount of control over her, even for a Parselmouth.”

Yeah, this one’s probably the most obvious.

IVANKA

Next.

7. HARRY POTTER

So this is another obvious one. When all is said and done there’s one guy who managed to do what seemed impossible, and actually beat Trump.

JOE BIDEN

Some of you might be saying “come on, really? Is this the best comparison for THE Harry Potter?” In this hypothetical and from Trump’s perspective…yeah, kind of? Of all of his political opponents, Joe was the guy that Trump went to the Ukraine for dirt on. If that didn’t make it obvious that Trump was scared at the thought of Joe being the Democratic nominee, I don’t know what does.

On top of that, those of us who started following the results from the minute polls closed thought it looked grim, and that Joe was done for. Then he managed to pull a decisive victory out of a very stressful situation. Say what you will about Joe, but he got it done and made the Dark Lord look like a fool in the process.

There you have it, the (in my opinion) ACTUAL would-be Horcruxes of Donald Trump. Thanks for reading, hope you tune in next time!…

…Or maybe we can do more. If you’ve made it this far and are fully on board with my commitment to being extra, let’s apply the same logic to Trump’s cabinet/team and take a quick look at some Death Eater comparisons. That’s right, Soggz-Blogs posts come with bonus content now.

LUCIUS MALFOY – WILLIAM BARR

Barr was the “Lawful Evil” counterpart to Trump’s “Chaotic Evil” in the administration, he could always find a way to use the legal system to Trump’s advantage to get things done. Just like how Lucius straight up bailed once it became clear that Voldy was losing, Barr was seemingly the first very high-profile person on Trump’s team to admit defeat and say that Joe Biden won the election.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE – KELLYANNE CONWAY

Very loyal to their Dark Lord, will say and do insane things, terrifying to look at.

BARTY CROUCH JR. – RUDY GIULIANI

Crazy (would be an understatement for both), creepy, dangerous, had their soul removed at some point.

FENRIR GREYBACK – MITCH MCCONNELL

Okay, I get it, COMPLETELY different in demeanor…but think about them functionally. Greyback’s whole deal was to strike fear into the opposition and shut down everything they could throw at the Death Eaters. Moscow Mitch over here has been killing bills and causing havoc for the Democrats before Trump was even in office. They both serve as the greatest disruptor for their enemy. It made sense to me…even though Greyback is a werewolf and Mitch looks like what would happen if there was a lone turtle roaming the streets of New York and, instead of radioactive ooze turning him into a crimefighting ninja, a hedge fund manager was taking a leak in an alley and didn’t notice what he was peeing on until, boom, a Republican was born.

IGOR KARKAROFF – REX TILLERSON

Worked with Trump for a while, defected (and didn’t seem all too broken up about it) and talked a bunch of shit behind Trump’s back. “Fucking Moron” was the term used, I believe?.

PETER PETTIGREW – STEPHEN MILLER

I feel like I should make it clear that, of both Voldy and Trump’s Death Eaters, these two are my absolute least favorite so there may be some bias here. Both of these little rats answer the question “What if that incel you knew in school became the right-hand man to someone with a lot of power and influence with the ability to do crazy shit?” Both of these guys have done some real damage in the name of their Dark Lord, Miller himself was looking to end birthright citizenship! Hasan Minhaj said it best; Stephen Miller is the type of guy to deport his own hair for being brown…and Peter Pettigrew also just plain sucks.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE – BETSY DEVOS

Finally, we end on this one. Umbridge wasn’t really a Death Eater, she was kind of just someone unqualified to be in a position of power who somehow ended up with one, and that sentiment has big DeVos energy already. Furthermore, in both cases, “students” was the demographic got hurt the most because of their policies. I know that Nikki Haley at the RNC made some comments that got meme’d to mimic Umbridge, but when you really look into it, DeVos is the appropriate comparison.

Okay NOW we’re done. Man, does it feel good to be doing stupid stuff like this again.

From the Vault: Democratic Presidential Candidates as Marvel Villains

The Hollywood & Washington Collaboration That No One Asked For

WARNING: MCU SPOILERS AND “POLITICAL” PIECE BELOW. How stupid is it that I apparently have to warn people about that last part though? Well anyway every view expressed is my own despite me, as always, being as objective as possible.

Ah, American politicians. There are a lot of them, their personalities vary, most of them seem underdeveloped and generic, and they tend to have good intentions that are paired with their more-than-questionable actions. The interesting thing is that all of those qualities I listed seem to also apply to comic book movie villains. Isn’t it strange that elected officials and people in power seem to often become synonymous with “bad guys” (as The Notorious AOC herself has mentioned)? It’s almost as if the system designed to keep us free actually oppresses us by directly encouraging those with privilege to act unethically in their own self-interest an-

Okay, sorry, I’m getting off topic. I should probably mention that I’ve been banned from talking politics at family events because I need to “stop trying to brainwash the kids into being dirty socialists”. Well that will not stop me from writing about it here and focusing on the three rounds of Democratic Party debates that we have had so far. Real-life villains aside (like the current American idiot in office), in comic-book-movies the antagonists can be fun, idealistic, and sometimes you even want to root for them! So to distract myself from how existentially stressed out I am about 2020, and to attempt to fill the “no Marvel” void I will also feel until 2020, this piece was born.

If you’re looking for some actual serious debate discussion, check out The Overrated Podcast and our ongoing Election 2020 coverage. Today, here and now, I will be going over a select number of the Democratic candidates by comparing them to the villains we have seen so far in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU)! To still be “political” (Lord knows I can’t resist), I’ll also be categorizing them by how much you should care about them at this point…and probably more.

HAVEN’T QUALIFIED FOR THE NEXT DEBATE

1. Governor Jay Inslee – Ava Starr aka “Ghost”

To ease you into this piece, let’s start off with a candidate/villain I actually really liked and am bummed I seemingly won’t hear from again. Inslee burst onto the debate stage with (for the most part) a single issue: Climate Change. For whatever reason, the average voter decided that isn’t a sexy enough single issue, and similarly Ghost doesn’t get much universal love from the more casual viewers of the MCU.

Inslee’s solid record and environmental policy didn’t even get a chance past the second debate, and Ghost wasn’t even included in most of the websites I used for research on the best MCU villains. Both deserved better, both disappeared too soon, and I wish the best for both of them.

2. Marianne Williamson – Kaecilius

Okay enough wholesomeness, let’s get to the shit show. Both Marianne and Kaecilius are anti-science, huge advocates of magic, and are constantly trying to channel the dark dimension. All while ignoring the very real effects their actions have on people and the material world.

They’re disillusioned with the current leadership, which makes them interesting…right up until the point where they start to tell people that their problems (like curing HIV and cancer) can be solved with fanaticism, that they’re the only one who really cares about you, and that the world can be saved by some weird sort of enlightenment they’re preaching. 

I have no factual confirmation if Marianne believes in an inter-dimensional dark entity like Dormammu…but would any of us really be surprised if we found out that was true? It’d be just about as surprising as the time she said that fat people need to pray harder, and that people on antidepressants are weak. These two are glorified “self-help gurus”, they’re not particularly mean-spirited, yet that doesn’t change the fact that they’re full of shit.

3. Governor John Hickenlooper aka “The Loop” – Trevor Slattery aka “The Mandarin”

Why? Because fuck this guy and fuck Iron Man 3, that’s why! (This is definitely more of a hot take on the MCU side than the political one, as the Loop got booed on stage at the California Democratic Convention.)

Both the Loop (and those who resemble him politically) and the Mandarin were an absolute waste of my damn time and I’m glad we’re not talking about them anymore. Speaking of which, time for the new category of candidates. 

WHY ARE WE STILL HUMORING THIS?

1. Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard – Secretary Thaddeus Ross aka “Thunderbolt”

Remember how Ross was in The Incredible Hulk a long time ago, then showed up again in Captain America: Civil War seemingly a different person by being anti-war and changing his policy? (Ross wanted to emulate the super-soldier serum, lied to Banner which created the Hulk and ruined his life, and then suddenly gets tasked with regulation of the Avengers? That’s like throwing minorities in jail for smoking weed and then talking about how you used to smoke weed in college!…or am I just thinking of Kamala Harris now? Oh well.) Then when we REALLY didn’t need to hear from him again because we’re already pressed for time, he shows up? This whole thing is pretty accurate for Tulsi too.

Both Ross and Tulsi are ex-US Military and fought in big wars (Vietnam and Iraq, respectively). Tulsi went from being pro-life and campaigning for an anti-gay rights group…to outright supporting federal funding for abortion and having a 100% pro-LGBTQIA+ voting record in Congress. Outside of a few great points, including her attack on Kamala in the second debate, it seemed pretty obvious that we didn’t need to hear from Tulsi again past the second debate, maybe the third. Yet here we are with her not qualifying for the 3rd and getting another chance in the fourth. Wonderful. 

Just like Ross’ scene in Avengers: Infinity War, I’m probably going to watch the fourth debate and wish the time was spent on something a little more productive.

2. Senator Amy Klobuchar aka “Klobes” – Ronan the Accuser

Klobes and Ronan’s biggest “fault” is honestly how generic and boring they are. You get the feeling that there has to be something more there, then they show up again in a different debate/movie and do more of the same thing and you’re left confused and unsatisfied. 

Similar to Ronan, Klobes’ biggest “moments” come from shouting a bland “criticism” at someone else in the scene which, upon the slightest analysis, makes no sense even though it sounds flashy in the moment. I am of course referring to when Klobes told Bernie in the third debate that (paraphrased): “You might have written the damn bill, but I read the damn bill!”

What does that even mean? I mean I would hope you actually read the bill if you’re going to debate about it. Why did anyone applaud that? Similarly, what was Ronan thinking when he stole an Infinity Stone from fucking Thanos? Did you think this guy got the nickname “The Mad Titan” by letting Kree punks walk all over him?

I once again have no factual confirmation of this, but given what I know about Klobes, I would definitely believe it if someone told me that she would be insanely confused by the sight of a dude dancing and subsequently lose all of her focus.

3. Andrew Yang – Quentin Beck aka “Mysterio”

Unpopular take, but I could dedicate an entire piece to Yang and his dumb ass alone, and if you’re really curious then check this piece out by a longtime friend of soggz-blogs, Uday Mehta. I’ll try to summarize my rage and stay productive and on-topic…or I could just offer everyone a chance at a thousand dollars just to humor me instead, right? (Insert Pete Buttigieg’s eye-roll here)

Beck and Yang are scorned tech workers that lost their jobs. Beck had one good idea that Tony Stark refashioned into an actually useful invention (B.A.R.F), Yang had one good idea that I’m sure a much better candidate could build upon and turn into actual policy. Both say off-putting things, have an unhealthy need for attention, and you better believe that both have taken their “one good idea” way out of hand to the point of idiocy with support from their cult-like-following that, frankly, need to open their eyes and see that there’s much more to this whole “President thing” than the lazy discourse being proposed.

Okay screw this I can’t resist, YANG CRITICISM TIME: You seriously mean to tell me that your solution to campaign-finance-reform is DEMOCRACY DOLLARS? Really? MORE free money? Oh sure, that’ll out-spend lobbyists like the NRA for sure! For fuck’s sake this was also AFTER he implied that gender discrimination in the workplace can be solved by his fucking “Freedom Dividend”…because women who are tired of toxic-masculinity in corporate culture can just “leave and invest in themselves”. Which is great and all but it literally still leaves THE ACTUAL PROBLEM UNSOLVED. Oh and when Yang did his whole “We should be telling the immigrant success stories instead” bullshit? Buddy, I’m pretty sure there’s an ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT DIDN’T HAVE A CHOICE IN IMMIGRATING HERE that would have some shit to say about you pushing the antiquated and fucked up “model-minority” agenda. How is this FUCKING CLOWN polling higher th-

Look I said I’d TRY to stay on-topic, and clearly I failed. Moving on.

4. Tom Steyer – Malekith

You are going to have to google both of these two to know who they are, but you most likely won’t, and frankly shouldn’t, because they’re not interesting enough to even warrant minimal effort from you.

I WANT TO LIKE YOU…I THINK

1. Secretary Julian Castro – Darren Cross aka “Yellowjacket”

Julian Castro has tons of political experience as the former Mayor of San Antonio and former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) under the Obama administration. He was even on the shortlist for being Hillary’s running mate in 2016 (which would’ve been a much better choice than the slice of untoasted, lukewarm wonderbread with low-fat margarine that was Tim Kaine).

So far in his 2020 run, his debate tactics have consisted of: Emulating Barack-like mannerisms and speech patterns, saying he’d do better than Barack on immigration, and going after Uncle Joe saying (paraphrased): “I’m living up to Obama’s legacy, you’re not”.

Clearly he’s got some kind of a “mentor complex” that’s simultaneously hurting and helping his campaign. Very much like Darren Cross and his complicated relationship with his mentor, Hank Pym.

2. Mayor Pete Buttigieg aka “Mayor Pete” – Helmut Zemo

Mayor Pete’s meteoric rise to being one of the most widely discussed nominees is nothing short of impressive, going from being the Mayor of a town in Indiana to going point-for-point with Senators who have been in Washington for years. This reminded me of how Zemo, with no powers, was able to somehow handle twelve different heroes, four of whom were on the original Avengers roster. The similarities don’t stop there: both are ex-military, young, wholesome family men, very politically savvy, and have a knack for taking “option C” on big political issues. 

This is honestly my biggest issue with Mayor Pete, much like Zemo for most of the movie, I have no idea where he actually stands on things and what he’s pushing. While “Leftist vs Liberal” seem to be the two “teams” on the debate stage and in the party itself, Mayor Pete seems to live in this perplexing new form of centrism where he’s chosen the “center” of the two teams. He half-asses his support for universal healthcare by giving it the new name of “Medicare for all who want it,” he very wrongly and pompously accused Bernie and Warren of not “caring about the American people” in discussion of universal healthcare (really dude? Bernie’s been caring about the American people since you were in diapers. I’m sure it was a fun and sassy moment for you, but come on bro. You know better), and it seems like half the time he’s trying to make both leftists and liberals sound bad while chalking himself up to be a better option than all of them. 

In an already divided Democratic Party, Mayor Pete’s tactics could end up hurting more people than it does help. Much like breaking apart the Avengers on your own terms instead of just supporting or opposing the Sokovia accords. 

3. Congressman Robert O’Rourke aka “Beto” – Ultron

Ultron was built by Tony Stark to be the perfect defense mechanism against extraterrestrial armies that could threaten mankind. Similarly, in the 2018 midterm elections, Beto burst into the hearts of Democrats everywhere as the man who was the perfectly built politician, enough to make Texas go blue. The hype behind both Beto and Ultron was real…but when all was said and done, both seemed rather disappointing (probably due to over-enthusiastic nerds on the internet in both cases).

Beto came across as rather robotic on the debate stage, especially in the first two. He also unfortunately accepted almost half a million dollars from the oil and gas industry, many of which came from big oil executives. As we know from Ultron’s vibranium-stealing shenanigans, it appears both of these guys are fans of drilling into the earth for a natural resource that will result in greater harm later (to be fair, Beto has since changed his position on this).

Perhaps the biggest reason I chose this comparison is that I’ll still defend both to an extent. Not only do I think Beto and Ultron are better in their respective fields than a vast majority of the other candidates/MCU villains we’ve seen, I just have to give credit where it is due for unique things that both have done. I’ve said it before (as early as last month’s piece) but Ultron is one of the only MCU characters period to call out the Captain himself on his biggest flaw (more so than Tony, who always made things personal whenever he called out Cap).

As for Beto, my personal stance on guns in America has gone from “Maybe this is my ONE thing I’m conservative on” to “Okay maybe we should limit some stuff” to “I don’t even know anymore” to “Just ban the damn things, I’m sick of this shit”. That being said, it was very refreshing to see a Democrat on the debate stage cut straight to the point instead of pussyfooting around with the typical “I support the second amendment, I just think ____” nonsense. In the third debate, Beto spoke for every frustrated American who is sick and tired of innocent children being shot in class.

The point is, I think that the moderators/writers just didn’t give Beto/Ultron a chance to explain themselves more.

4. Senator Corey Booker aka “Book” – Johann Schmidt aka “Red Skull”

Red Skull is one of the most iconic Captain America villains and many thought he’d be a long-term MCU villain. Book was one of the most hyped up potential nominees amongst Democrats if we were talking about this in 2017.

Then they went for the Tesseract/Big Pharma money, got cast out and forgotten by fans, then confused everyone by showing up again in crucial moments. Yet now it just seems like their entire purpose is to guide others to a treasure they can not possess: The Soul Stone/the Nomination. Speaking of which…

ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE AT THE NOMINATION

1. Vice-President Joe Biden aka “Uncle Joe” – Ego

Uncle Joe is an older man who’s been around forever, comes off extremely out-of-touch, is constantly touching women, and is trying so hard to get elected on the clout of his title and the idea that he’ll be America’s new dad. Ego is a centuries-old entity, lives on his own planet that he can’t leave for too long (or else he’ll die?), is constantly touching women (and then subsequently stealing the babies), and thought that he could get what he wanted on the clout of being a Celestial and the idea that Star Lord needed his estranged father back. 

Much like the Guardians’ first interactions with Ego, in every group of five average American voters: one will be completely mesmerized by him, one got too cautious too late, one will ask about his penis, one is too busy insulting everyone else in the group, and one is Groot. 

Look, I get the nostalgia and “simpler times” associated with the Obama administration. Hell, the ACA was the most impactful thing that any politician has done for my family…but can we stop acting like Uncle Joe had that much to do with that? As a wise man once said: “He may have been your father boy, but he wasn’t your daddy”. 

2. Senator Kamala Harris – Secretary Alexander Pierce

“Hard on crime” is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot among politicians, and both Kamala and Pierce are about that life. Kamala was a former prosecutor in California, and Pierce was the former Director of SHIELD before one got elected Senator and the other got promoted to Secretary. Both are so outwardly dedicated to the idea of justice, Pierce even declined a Nobel Peace Prize saying that “peace wasn’t an achievement, but a responsibility”.

They seemed great, they came off as tough and ready to get things done, they had trust on their side. Right until you find out that Kamala is responsible for subjecting so many non-violent offenders to the hellish landscape known as the “American for-profit prison system”, and that Pierce is trying to use SHIELD Helicarriers to have absolute control over people, and then you’re just disappointed (to say the least). 

What’s also interesting is Kamala’s unwillingness to acknowledge and apologize for her choices. I’m sure many people would actually look past her history if she, like Tulsi or Beto, actually mentioned her murky history. Despite being called out for this same thing twice now on the debate stage, she always finds a way to circumvent the topic and continue her “I’m too tough for Donald Trump” facade. 

You can definitely apply what Nick Fury said about Pierce to how I feel about Kamala at this point: “See, its stuff like this that gives me trust issues”.

3. Senator Bernie Sanders – Adrian Toomes aka “The Vulture”

This is the rare case where the comparison has already been made long before I got to this piece, because Vulture and Bernie are both grassroots leaders of working class citizens and are the most concerned with ensuring the safety of everyday people. Both are incredibly intense old men who are still extremely sharp, tough, and passionate for their age, both are huge advocates for science and research, and both are always incredibly quick to antagonize billionaires.

While in comic-book-land, billionaires are epic heroes, in real life the very idea of their existence is immoral and a huge testament to the economic corruption in the country. In real life the only good billionaire is one that has HAD ALL OF THEIR FUCKING MONEY LIQUIDATED AND GIVEN BACK TO THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE THAT SUFFER DAY TO DAY WHILE THEY SIT AROUND NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE AT ALL AND AFTER THAT THEY’LL BERN VIA VOLCANIC SACRIF-(removed by my editor)

4. Senator Elizabeth Warren – Thanos (Infinity War)

They’re incredibly intelligent, they’re fed up of everyone else’s shit, they’re environmentalists, and they’re finally ready to execute their plans after a few years of seemingly sitting around and preparing for it. 

Much like Thanos has the right Infinity Stone for every situation, Warren has a detailed plan for every political talking point and she’s ready to fight about it. They’re focused on the goal and nothing else, as Warren is one of the only candidates who hasn’t antagonized someone else on the debate stage and has made a name for herself by simply promoting her policy and doing her best to stay on track. She’s been one of the most productive in the debates, and I’m excited to see her hopefully climb in the polls. I guess what I’m trying to say is: Dread it, run from it, progressive politics will still arrive…

…and that’s a really good thing, just to be absolutely clear, before someone misunderstands my views (I thought I made it pretty obvious) or before someone reads too much into me comparing Democrats to comic antagonists. Honestly, I just didn’t feel like writing about Joker this month.