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Kanye v Drake: Who Wins This Round? – Pt 1 of 2; Donda

Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda Donda

This post is part one in a series of two where I live react to two albums for the first time. If you want to skip the setup/context then feel free to do so, it will start after the bolded paragraph.

In any conversation about the music of the 2010’s, it is impossible to speak on this subject without the mention of certain artists that released great projects that not only charted well, but influenced the landscape, sounds, and trends of popular music that can still be easily identified today. The 2010’s had some really heavy hitters in pop music (and their respective genres): Taylor Swift, Beyonce, Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga…and of course, the two that I will be focusing on in these next two pieces, Kanye West and Drake.

For those who have better things to do with their lives than keeping up with this shit, you should know these two have been on each other’s cases for years now. Before I dive into the music of it all, I thought it’d be important to briefly touch on where these artists started vs where they are now, and a little of my personal history with them.

I’ve been a “constantly apologizing” Kanye West fan for years now, and he likely is one of my top 3 artists of all time, sharing that title with The Weeknd and Kid Cudi. Look, I can’t deal with his antics in the public eye either, and I definitely don’t support what he says and does as a person. I do, however, constantly find myself hoping he gets the help he so clearly needs. With that disclaimer out of the way, yeah, he’s one of the greatest artists that music has ever had and I genuinely don’t see how there is any debating that. Pre-2010, the man already put out an incredible body of work with his “college trilogy”, permanently raising the bar for production (especially in regards to sampling and interpolation) & lyricism (looking at you, Late Registration fans) in hip-hop, and non-hip-hop fans were still Kanye fans. Then he released an album (808’s & Heartbreak) that wasn’t met with much public approval during a tumultuous time in his life that ended up being “ahead of its time” because almost all pop music a few years later tried to emulate the same sound. Then (in 2010 now) he puts out an album (My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy) that he later called “a backhanded apology” because he was in trouble with the public (VMA-gate) but also wanted to basically tell everyone “you need me because I’m too damn good at this”…and it worked, ending up on almost every major music publication’s “Top 5 Albums of the Decade” list. Something something Yeezus, Watch the Throne, The Life of Pablo…albeit definitely a few missteps afterwards like “Lift Yourself” and Jesus is King (I personally think “you my chic-fil-a” might be his biggest lowlight, worse than “scoop-di-poop”, but that’s just me)…we’ve ended up with one of the most impressive discographies out there.

Personally for me, MBDTF gave me what little confidence I had as an adolescent to get through the hell of being a teenager. To this day, “Gorgeous” will never fail to give me that boost of energy and belief in myself before doing something seemingly daunting.

On the flip-side of this, we have Drake…aka Mr. Champagne Papi aka the 6 God aka every Indian fuckboy’s personal idol. He also happens to be another artist whose public antics I can’t stand either, but it’s hard to imagine the genre of Pop Rap becoming as huge as it has without directly attributing that to Drake’s success. Starting off as a “Lil Wayne prodige” and quickly artistically surpassing everyone from the Young Money camp, Drake is one of the most commercially successful rappers to ever exist. This shouldn’t imply that he wasn’t critically successful either, as Take Care was one of the first instances of the dark & moody R&B sounds that ended up taking over the genre for about a decade and influenced a lot of projects that came afterwards (this is also heavily attributed to The Weeknd’s House of Balloons, but he also had a huge hand in Take Care and that album was what introduced me and many other to The Weeknd anyway). He then went on to continue to give us quality work with Nothing Was the Same and If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, giving listeners a ton of quotable bars (and memes) in the process. By the time we got to Views in 2016, trying to avoid Drake became like trying to avoid Usher’s “Yeah!” in 2004, it was damn near impossible. Views sat atop the Billboard 200 for 13 nonconsecutive weeks, becoming the first album by a male solo artist to do so in over a decade. He continued onward to keep accomplishing feats like this and always being a huge part of internet culture, with stuff like the “In My Feelings Challenge” and “Toosie Slide” always being on people’s screens when they found themselves idly scrolling.

I cannot stress enough how much I love Take Care as a complete album, and Drake’s reign of hits is nothing to ignore at all. He has the most top 10 placements and most charted songs ever on the Billboard Hot 100, and even though I’ve found myself unimpressed or straight up annoyed with his recent work (you can’t convince me that Scorpion wasn’t a bloated dumpster fire), there’s no denying that there will always be room on any playlist for Drizzy.

So this brings us to now, where these two are beefing again. We can sit here and go through the entire history and both of their flaws, give props and/or make fun of them all day long…but I’m of the belief that the winner of any beef can only be decided by the tunes. Since they both have album releases coming out within a week of each other, I will be doing track-by-track reactions, a summary of my feelings on the overall project, and eventually determine the winner of this round between Kanye West’s Donda & Drake’s Certified Lover Boy.

So without further ado (after this incredibly messy album rollout) it’s time to do my first listen of Donda and live-blog it. Off we go!

Donda Chant – Stupid. Yeah it makes for funny memes and I laugh at them too but cmon, actually starting an album like this is not a good first impression.

Jail – Can we consider this the actual start of the album? Because this is good. I think Jay-Z could’ve maybe gone a little harder on his bars, especially considering his is the only lyrical section of this song, but this track is a good indication of where Kanye is spiritually & personally before going into the album, I’m cool with it. Pretty funny that Hov called him out for the MAGA hat.

God Breathed – The fact that this could’ve been 2 minutes shorter and still had the same effect in the track listing is really annoying.

Off The Grid – Good Lord, what gave Fivio Foreign the right to go this hard?? This is great, its only the 4th track but this is a highlight for sure, really good track all around.

Its clear Kanye has a lot to say about his personal relationship with God, his family, the divorce, etc. Based on his verse on this track, I’m curious to see what direction this goes & if its what holds the album together in terms of an overarching theme.

Hurricane – Abel, you absolute king. I think I have to publicly eat my words about Lil Baby, I 100% didn’t “get it” at first but I think he’s really been growing creatively and I’m here for it. I will say though, Kanye’s verse sounds a bit unfinished just in terms of the audio/mix…lyrically it was good. Another good track.

Praise God – Maybe on a later listen I’ll understand why Baby Keem showed up on this…but as of now, the track takes a noticeable nosedive for me when his verse starts…especially after some great Kanye & Travis Scott chemistry, and ESPECIALLY after Kanye put actual sound-bytes of his mother, the late Dr. Donda West, on the track.

Jonah – Meh.

Ok Ok – Wait, it took me this long to realize, is…is this censored? Why?? Is this whole album like this? I mean I was going to talk about how I appreciated this track emotionally and I liked Lil Yachty’s verse, but now I’m distracted. This is an odd decision but okay I’ll move on, I’m a fan of what this one has to say.

Junya – The “I won with the Bucks, boy, let me be Giannis” bar made me smile, but kind of a meh track otherwise.

Believe What I Say – Thematically we’re back to what I’ve been most interested in with this album 10 tracks in, and boy did this one deliver musically as well. Maybe I’m not remembering off the top of my head, but it’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed Kanye’s lyricism this much.

24 – I like the exploration of his faith in relation to the broader concepts of mortality & the afterlife here, appropriately supplemented by the Sunday Service Choir.

Remote Control – Not sure if I understand what he’s going for here with the “remote control” thing or that outro, but I’ll take a cool Young Thug verse.

Moon – Holy shit. This is incredible. Maybe one day Kid Cudi wont get me automatically emotional, but it’s not today.

Heaven and Hell – I appreciate his perspective on his personal relationship with faith here too. Not sure if the ending firearm sounds was meant to be a KIDS SEE GHOSTS callback, but I’ll take it.

Donda – Hearing Dr. Donda West on this one really contextualizes the kind of person she was, within Kanye’s life and just by herself as well. I would imagine hearing “Only One” after this would increase the emotional impact of that track, which already hits really hard for me. So this feels like a tasteful inclusion.

Keep My Spirit Alive – Its okay.

Jesus Lord – Well the 9 minute runtime definitely had me nervous going into this, and I’m not sure if I’ll be revisiting this track much, but I do see that its pretty pivotal to the album and is luckily a good enough song to not feel like its that long. This probably would’ve hit on a more emotional level if I understood all the Biblical references. Jay Electronica’s verse on this alone was better than his entire last album.

New Again – Ugh…look, I wanted to do my best to JUST focus on the tunes and not go “looking too much into it” when going into these albums/pieces…but something SPECIFICALLY about a song that’s about forgiveness, mercy, and feeling “new again” that features Chris Brown, one of the most habitual & consistent of garbage human beings, just rubs me the wrong way. Can’t put my finger on why though.

Tell The Vision – Oh good God, censored Pop Smoke just sounds awkward and categorically incorrect. Wait, this is just Pop’s “We Made It”…except not as good. I actually have no idea why this is here, other than the fact that Kanye is a credited feature on the actual song off the Pop Smoke album. In this context though, I don’t see what this is adding.

Lord I Need You – I know this is supposed to be a really revealing and vulnerable moment on this album about his failed relationship, but the “Taco Bell & KFC” bar…I mean I know at this point in his career I should expect at least one or two corny bars but wow. Luckily he salvages this and it becomes a poignant moment on the album

Pure Souls – Damn, I feel like I have yet to hear Roddy Rich miss. It wouldn’t be a Kanye album without some kind of examination of success & his come up, so this feels like it belongs. The outro feels a bit odd in terms of the mixing and may have ran 45 seconds too long, but I like this one mainly due to Roddy.

Come to Life – Also may have ran a little longer needlessly, but it’s fine.

No Child Left Behind – Really solid interlude to kick off (what feels like) the home stretch. I’m interested to see how this closes out.

Jail pt 2 – Wait, it’s just the same thing as “Jail” except with different features? I mean admittedly the DaBaby feature is pretty damn good, but couldn’t we have just picked one of these versions and stuck with it?

Also find myself thinking again, because of the specific subject matter of the track: Kanye…my dude…feels like you could’ve asked Justin Vernon what he was doing instead of getting Marilyn Manson on this. Remember how good Vernon was on Yeezus? I mean…bruh.

Ok Ok pt 2 – Same thing…feels like one version could’ve been the album version and one version could’ve been on a deluxe, and it feels like I’m gonna feel like that about these next two as well.

Junya pt 2 – Yup, I was right. I will say that so far I think these part 2’s have been a little more fleshed out, and maybe better, than the first ones for me. Never going to say “no” to a Ty Dolla Sign feature.

Jesus Lord pt 2 – Eh…the features from The LOX are pretty cool, but 11 and a half minutes is just a bit much. Also kind of feel like it diminishes the meaning of this particular song a bit when you have a few too many cooks in the kitchen, I’d prefer the part 1 on this one.

OKAY wow, almost two hours later. So on a first listen, its definitely flawed, most notably because of some legitimately horrendous choices of featured artists & how it could’ve been condensed/cut to form a much tighter project. That being said, it’s really nice to hear so fleshed out of a project from him again, especially after his most recent ones have been no longer than 30 minutes & a few tracks. I think its oddly comforting to hear Kanye take creative risks again even if all of them don’t land for me. I find it somewhat reflective of where he is personally at the moment, and Kanye’s music has always had a very personal touch so this ends up feeling like somewhat of a true “rebirth” for him as an artist. In fact I think it works better as a follow up to 2016’s The Life of Pablo than Ye or Jesus is King did.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I liked it, definitely more than I thought I would after the ridiculous rollout and daunting runtime. I’m definitely going to spend more time on this one, but it’ll likely be after the next piece, where I do the same thing for Drake’s Certified Lover Boy. Thanks for reading my silly opinions, and I hope to see you next time!

Ranking Every Smash Ultimate Character on how Good of a Valentine’s Date They’d Be

A great day to smash…and play video games.

One of the greatest features of Super Smash Bros Ultimate (SSBU) is the wide variety characters across so many unique gaming franchises. One only needs to look at the character selection screen to feel satisfied or overwhelmed with the amount of options they have to play this incredibly fun yet maddeningly frustrating (more-so this to be honest) game with. There’s no other game like it…except one: The “game” of dating.

Bear with me and keep an open mind here. Swiping through countless people on your phone is often as overwhelming as trying to pick which of these 80+ characters you want to try the game with. Dating is also a very irritating experience most of the time for a lot of us, but I think we can all agree that when its good, its very good.

So in honor of Valentine’s Day 2021, and the countless great dates that would’ve been happening on this special V-Day weekend with a Monday off…if the pandemic-relief response was better and everything didn’t kind of suck…today I will be looking at the roster and figuring out which SSBU character would make the best Valentine’s date. Let’s-a-go!

Before we even begin to think about the characters, however, there’s one burning question we need to answer: What makes a great Valentine’s date?

I conducted some research on social media and in multiple group-chats, doing my best to reach out to multiple ethnicities, genders, and sexual orientations. I may be a nerd, but I’d like to think I’m an inclusive nerd. After going through all the good responses I received, laughing at the funny ones, and rolling my eyes at a few that made me cringe, I narrowed it down to five imporant & most often mentioned points.

  1. Being Mindful and Thoughtful: Being “nice” is a good thing, but it’s too vague. Plus, for whoever reading this, basic human decency is something that should probably be something expected rather than praised. Giant romantic gestures aren’t always necessary on dates, but going even a little into that “extra mile” can turn an okay date into a great one. Good listening skills, showing legitimate interest in what someone chooses to share, and planning something for the date that the other person would really appreciate all falls into this point.
  2. Good Communication Skills: This is another one that seems obvious, but doesn’t always happen. Dates, especially Valentine’s dates, often can make someone feel pressured on what to do especially if they don’t know what the other person expects. It’s very important to have a conversation about what you both want out of the date and out of each other as a Valentine. One conversation beforehand can save you from a ton of potential dating disasters.
  3. A Sense of Adventure: Don’t be fooled, even people who’s dating profiles make them sound like couch potatoes want to be taken somewhere nice and do something fun every now and then. The cool thing about the Holiday is that it’s about you, your Valentine, and what you both like to do. It’s encouraged to share a place or activity you love, and a good Valentine will like your enthusiasm and will want to share those experiences with you!
  4. Goes Beyond the Holiday: Look, Valentine’s Day definitely requires someone to bring their A-game…but if that’s the ONLY time you do so, that’s a problem. Someone who follows up great qualities and great days with even more of those things is the kind of person you want as a Valentine, as opposed to someone who only puts in the effort on one day out of the year. We over here at Soggz-Blogs think you deserve better.
  5. Smashing: Duh.

Now that we broke that down, we can start looking at the roster. Unfortunately, I must present to you one more hurdle…weeding out the characters that you definitely should not be on a date with for various reasons. I’m just going to list them out, and you can consider these the “F-Tier”. I don’t want to take away from their unique personalities but dating any of these characters seems like it would be definitely count as some sort of felony. They’re all either clearly a child, not even remotely humanoid, or just make you think “how the fuck would this even work?”. Here they are:

  • Banjo & Kazooie
  • Bowser
  • Bowser Jr.
  • Dark Pit
  • Diddy Kong
  • Donkey Kong (you can date him only if you’ve rejected humanity and returned to monke)
  • Duck Hunt
  • Falco
  • Fox
  • Greninja
  • Ice Climbers
  • Incineroar
  • Inkling
  • Isabelle
  • Jigglypuff
  • King Dedede
  • King K Rool
  • Kirby (Don’t you dare make the obvious joke about swallowing)
  • Lucario
  • Lucas
  • Mega-Man
  • Meta Knight
  • Mewtwo
  • Mr. Game & Watch
  • Ness (if you’re a Ness main that’s complaining about him being here, its okay, you’re a glue-eating dork that no one wants to date anyway. PK-Go-Fuck-Yourself and your little turd of a main.)
  • Olimar
  • Pac-Man
  • Pichu
  • Pikachu
  • Piranha Plant
  • Pit
  • Pokemon Trainer
  • Ridley
  • ROB
  • Sonic (HEDGEHOGS SHOULD NOT KISS HUMANS EVER, HOW IS THIS A THING I HAVE TO SPECIFY?)
  • Toon Link
  • Villager
  • Wolf
  • Yoshi (Too much tongue anyway)
  • Young Link

It might seem like we’ve chased away a lot of characters, which is valid, but this still leaves me with 40 characters to dissect which is still a good amount. That being said, let’s start going into the tiers.

D-TIER

  • Captain Falcon – You ever meet those dudes who, when asked, can talk about all the unique features about their car…but when asked to describe a person they usually give 1-3 word answers? Also it was still super early into the date and he hits you with “Show me your boobs”? No thanks.
  • Shulk – I couldn’t really find anything interesting about Shulk in research so I was going to put him in the C-Tier for just being “meh”…but then I remembered he has a character-skin where he’s wearing little-to-no clothing and that he constantly screams “BACKSLASH!”. Yeah that’s gonna bump him down to the D-Tier.
  • Dark Samus – Okay so Dark Samus is known to absorb the powers of the people she defeats in battle and has an insatiable craving for a highly radioactive substance with mutagenic properties. This just means she will never be satisfied with anything you do.
  • Bayonetta – She’s way too suggestive right from the get-go to the point where I constantly ask myself “how is she from a NINTENDO game?”. Her very character design seems like its something right out of r/MenWritingWomen. Even if we ignore all of that and chalk this up to only making ME personally uncomfortable, there’s another con…way. too. much. hair.
  • Min Min – I don’t know who the fuck this is and why she’s even in this game.
  • Ganondorf – Ganon is the ONLY male amongst his tribe and males are only born once every hundred years, always destined to be the clan ruler. This kind of makes him an entitled asshole by default, I mean if you’re the ONLY guy in a tribe of all women and you’re automatically their King…that seems like a “messiah complex” just waiting to happen. Also he tries to smash way too early into the date, if you know you know (Doriyah!).
  • Hero – I feel like if there are multiple interchangeable versions of you, you probably don’t have very much of an interesting personality to begin with. The time Hero spends deciding what he wants to do is also time you can spend finding a better Valentine.
  • Sephiroth – One of those dudes that is super into “mind games”, he’s 100% going to gaslight you the entire date and it’ll take you months of therapy to get over it.
  • Mii Fighter(s) – Would you really want to date someone that looks exactly like you? Especially a version of you with a yee yee ass haircut? Seriously, Nintendo, whats up with the extremely limited and shitty hair options on the Miis?
  • Wario – Easily the worst of the bunch. He farts very loudly, smells like garlic & motorcycle oil, and he is definitely not apologizing for any of it.

    C-TIER
  • Dr. Mario – This dude is handing out pills WAY too easily. One can clearly deduce that he’s obviously taking money from Big Pharma, and is likely to think a few sniffles warrants a prescription drug. Stay away from this maniac born out of a corrupt healthcare system.
  • Peach – Things seem to be going great when you guys match and when you’re texting. The date gets scheduled and you’re waiting for her when she hits you with a text that she can’t make it because she….got kidnapped…by a giant turtle with horns? Ridiculous, if you’re going to ghost me at least just tell me you’re not up to it instead of making a wild excuse!
  • Snake – Snake’s whole thing is being a master of stealth and infiltration. Odds are if he’s going to such lengths to not be seen, he’s not going to see you for who you are either. The fact that he ages super rapidly AND has lost all that ass from his last appearance in Smash doesn’t help either.
  • The Belmonts (Simon & Richter) – The Belmont boys are both pretty good looking and they have really cool jobs. In SSBU, however, they’re all about maintaining and managing a good distance to get things done. Being kept at a distance isn’t something you want out of a Valentine, it just doesn’t sound fun or fulfilling.
  • Cloud – Its pretty cool that he’s down to take out a giant unethical tech corporation, but in reality Cloud is snarky as hell and that can get pretty annoying. Plus, that sword definitely gives off the impression that he may be compensating.
  • Little Mac – In my research I literally came across something that said “there is not much to Little Mac’s personality”…That’s it, that’s the analysis…I guess.
  • Roy – Apparently a big cornerstone of Roy’s personality is that he’s particularly dense when it comes to talking to anyone who’s interested in him, and girls in general? Big yikes, gotta work on that one chief.
  • Samus – She’s super cool but…did she really wear a full suit of armor to a date? Wow…emotionally closed off much?
  • Sheik – Sheik shows up periodically to teach you how to play a song that will teleport you to a location you’ve already been to. No one wants a Valentine who’s aloof and only takes you to places you’ve experienced before.
  • Luigi – Look…he’s a really sweet guy, but he’s so scared of anything that slightly moves that he’s probably not going to go anywhere or do anything out of the ordinary. There’s also a good chance you’ll end up trapped in a haunted mansion at some point during your date, its happened to him three times already.
  • Steve – He’s too much of a square.
  • Rosalina & Luma – Wow I’m really excited about this date and…oh…look. She brought a friend. That’s not weird or inconvenient at all.
  • Ike – Ike is a basic little fuck that epitomizes the C-tier. Look at what we have here, a strong and silent anime character who loves food and solves all his problems with violence..WHOA I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THOSE BEFORE. Even in SSBU, he’s got like 1-2 moves that can easily be spammed and are super easy to learn. Ike fills me with the same feeling I got during dating when I would scroll over to someone who’s bio said “looking for the Jim to my Pam!”: an unbridled sense of “meh”.

B-TIER

  • Ryu – It’d be really cool to hear about his life as a traveling martial artist, he probably has some great stories and you know he’s dedicated to his craft. The parts about how he’s prone to random surges of murderous intent where he channels the energy of a raging demon are…less than ideal. To his credit, he’ll be honest about that and is still a heroic dude, so he gets to be in the B-tier.
  • Chrom – He’s a strong guy and a charismatic leader, but when it comes to strategy and negotiation he often relies on others for counsel. It might eventually get a little annoying if he’s in a group chat with his friends providing a play-by-play of your date and relying on them for what to do next. You want to date him, not his advisors.
  • Daisy – She’s an energetic and enthusiastic person, a very ideal date if you want to do something less traditional and more fun. However, canon says she has a tendency to talk down to people. Not a dealbreaker, but can definitely be a problem on a date if she happens to snap at a service worker…they deserve a lot better.
  • Robin – Robin is a master tactician and strategist. A very kind person and you can bet that your Valentine’s weekend will be meticulously planned out to the last detail…but he/she doesn’t get to be in the A-Tier because honestly, some spontaneity is always welcome when it comes to V-Day and dating in general.
  • Link – Great guy, great hero who will take you all over this magical land and on a ton of adventures. It’s just a little sad that he can only communicate via yelling.
  • Byleth – I don’t know much about Byleth, but I know Smash fans are needlessly tough on the character. Seems fun enough to play against, so why B-Tier? Look, any Asian-American millennial can tell you that various types of pressure from their family often comes into their dating life. Byleth has to answer to THREE. HOUSES….THREE HOUSES?? This is going to be a rough time.
  • Mario – This guy is great at everything: Plumbing, Tennis, Go-Karting, Olympic Sports, Partying, etc. Unfortunately he’s almost always on shrooms.
  • Wii Fit Trainer – I like to think of the B-Tier as “great to date with a slight flaw that might get in the way”, and Wii Fit Trainer defines this more than any other character. They’ll take you on fun and active dates, they work on their body constantly, they’re motivating and encouraging. HOWEVER…they talk about fitness just a little too much to the point where they sound like an instagram influencer in real life. Sorry Trainer, sometimes I just want to make baked mac & cheese and watch youtube videos.

A-TIER

  • Zero Suit Samus – Its everything good about Samus, plus she’s starting to come out of her shell and trust you more! That sets a better foundation to move forward with dating her. That being said, its way easier said than done to do that though so props!
  • Marth – Not much else to unpack other than the fact that he’s seemingly just an overall great and compassionate guy. Rare for someone with a royal background, so your “happily ever after” fantasies can actually come true with him.
  • Palutena – She’s a literal Goddess of Light, known for being exceptionally wise and kind…AND she can communicate telepathically. Too much conversation can be a problem sometimes especially if it feels forced, with Palutena everything that needs to be acknowledged is already known.
  • Joker – This dude is all about rescuing you from a life of oppression, finding freedom in a troubled world, and he’s totally okay with you being vulnerable around him…what a stud, right? (I should probably really play Persona 5 already).
  • Lucina – Lucina’s character arc involves her trying to alter a “darkest timeline” that she came from. She’s definitely seen some rough things, and she decided to do everything she can so that others don’t see those same things, and I think that’s really admirable. She has a tendency to be a little paranoid, but I think it comes from an innocent place so we’ll keep her in the A-Tier.
  • Ken – He’s the rich son of a Hotel tycoon BUT, in a rare display of good parenting in a nerdy franchise, his Dad wanted him to learn discipline and not be a spoiled brat. So he left Ken with his best friend who happened to be a martial arts master, and Ken turned into someone with a really pure heart (despite the occasional moment of braggadocio). He’s fun, humble, tough, and you probably get to go to a super fancy restaurant.
  • Corrin – Aside from being a very caring person, Corrin is also said to have a way with animals and can befriend them easily. Wow, someone who’s awesome AND who you could totally adopt multiple cats and dogs with? Isn’t that the long term goal anyway?…since the idea of having children has been fading more and more from our generation anyway due to the lack of response to a disastrous economy and a rapidly decaying environment?
  • Zelda – She holds the Triforce of Wisdom and she’s very compassionate. She’s a princess that doesn’t just sit around ordering people around, and she clearly communicates what she needs.
  • Terry – Dude takes the initiative to ask about you. If he senses that you’re having a bad day, he’ll always ask you…”Are you okay?”. How thoughtful!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is all of the Smash Characters. Even though we’ve gone through all of them and the different personalities now, it still might feel like you don’t know who would make the best Valentine. Well fear not, there’s one more option, and they’re the only one in the S-Tier…but who might that be?

You. You would make the best Valentine, and you deserve to celebrate this day with the best. There is no one universally perfect person to date, but there is someone out there who’s damn near perfect for YOU, and you are similarly that perfection for someone else. Even if you might not quite be with that person, a celebration of love shouldn’t be confined to “romance”, as love (in all of its forms) is something every human has for multiple people, places, and things in their lifetime. So on this quarantined Valentine’s day, you owe it to yourself to do something you love with someone you love. Most importantly, you also deserve to love yourself because life is too precious not to.

Have a happy Valentine’s day from Soggz-Blogs, hope you stay safe out there.

3 stock, best of 5, no items, hazards off, right now!

A More Attentive and Critical Look at Donald Trump’s Seven Horcruxes

Constant vigilance! Especially with pop-culture comparisons!

Think back and remember your millennial self in the summer of 2011. You’re standing in a long line outside of your local theater. Its the middle of July, but you’re still wearing a scarf with colors corresponding to your Hogwarts house. You’re in line to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2, and for many of you, this is when you’re claiming something like “it feels like my childhood is ending!”.

Fast forward to where you were on the night of November 8th, 2016. There he is, the guy you’ve loathed ever since he announced his candidacy. You probably voted for who would’ve been the first female president (or you were a colossal moron and wrote in “Harambe”), but it slowly became clear that no glass ceilings were being broken that night. Over the next four years, a lot of you would come to say something along the lines of “man…being an adult fucking sucks…”

Its never been a surprise to me that our generation, who is so obsessed with the Wizarding World Franchise that younger Zoomers think we’re weird for being 30 and still identifying with a Hogwarts House, would compare a President like Donald Trump to a fictional character like the Dark Lord Voldemort. With internet memes being such a significant part of social capital, nerd culture absolutely dominating our zeitgeist, and the prominence of JK Rowling’s books and their Hollywood adaptations when we were kids, the comparison was just begging to be made from day one. Its also no secret that, my personal feelings on Trump aside, many fellow millennials (especially those of us in big cities) overwhelmingly did not like this dude and felt like we weren’t the ones that put him into office (hell, we barely vote to begin with). However, that’s not what I’m here to complain about.

If it wasn’t obvious from everything about me, of course I love real-life/pop-culture comparisons. What I don’t appreciate is laziness, and the X amount of “Trump’s Horcruxes” articles, memes, and posts have all left me disappointed as hell. Look at this one I saw floating around instagram as an example:

Sure, this works if you think a Horcrux is “any common thing associated with Trump” but that’s not really what it is, is it? Also come on, how are you going to destroy a twitter account or a news network with Godric Gryffindor’s sword or a Basilisk Fang, those are intangible things and we very clearly know from the series that Horcruxes have to be tangible. Even the bullshit with Harry’s soul was simplified as “Harry is the last Horcrux” for readers/viewers.

Furthermore the Horcruxes all had a lot of value to Voldemort and were very unique items, he went as far as to attempt creating one for every Hogwarts house (giving up on trying to make one out of Ol’ Godric’s sword when he couldn’t find it). Yeah I get it, he likes golf, but I don’t think he’d particularly care enough about any old Mar-A-Lago golf cart to make a Horcrux out of it. Also, a red tie? The thing that EVERY Republican ever wears? We can do better, and that’s what we’re going to do today.

Today I will be looking at Voldemort’s Horcruxes and finding apt comparisons for Donald Trump’s hypothetical counterparts.

  1. TOM RIDDLE’S DIARY

This was the very first one, and the most personal. Of all the Horcruxes Voldy had, this item clearly belongs to him. When we see it in the story, the diary was given to Ginny Weasley and the dark magic influenced her to do some really bad things. Anyone who knew her beforehand would say that everything she did with the Chamber of Secrets was very out of character for her. She had quite the emotional dependency on this diary, and Voldy said he “grew stronger and stronger on a diet of her deepest fears, her darkest secrets.”

Well…I know someone who seems like they got brainwashed out of nowhere due to Trump’s magic and influence, and we all knew it was real and not a joke when he acquired a special signature item from Trump.

KANYE WEST’S SIGNED MAGA HAT

Ginny before the diary was a good kid, the least likely of the Weasley children to get into trouble or be a problem child for their parents. Kanye before the MAGA hat? “George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People” anyone?

2. MARVOLO GAUNT’S RING

This was a trickier one for me. The Gaunt ring belonged to another Slytherin family, albeit one that presumably wouldn’t really have been on board with Voldy’s “vision”. Voldy himself called Marvolo Gaunt “an ignorant old git” who simply thought that having pure-blood made him royal. Then again, we do know that even if certain Slytherins aren’t down with the process of Voldy’s “new world order”, its not like they’re not going to try and reap the benefits.

So I thought to myself: “Who do we know that was a pretty well known Republican, was outspoken against Trump, but immediately folds when pressure is applied, and didn’t come through for things that mattered like the rushed vote to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg?…and what item would such a person be famous for?”.

MITT ROMNEY’S BINDER FULL OF WOMEN

Depending on these “potential Republican swing votes” like Romney and Susan Collins rarely ever worked (most notable exception being the late John McCain and his thumbs-down vote regarding the ACA). My apologies go out to anyone who supports the Democrats, but the “Jeff Flakes” of the world are still not on your side at the end of the day…Romney himself voted in line with Trump 75% of the time. I picked Romney because he was the GOP presidential candidate previous to Trump, was one of the most high-profile Republican critics of Trump, yet he still eventually kissed the ring when it was good for him. I picked his legendary binder because, just like an actual Deathly Hallow, us regular wizards probably aren’t sure if it actually exists, yet wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

3. SALAZAR SLYTHERIN’S LOCKET

This one was much easier. Salazar Slytherin’s philosophies were the “blueprint” for a lot of what Voldy eventually did, even though Voldy was a lot less subtle about it all.

It’s got to be obvious where I’m going with this, there’s one revered “Grandfather”figure for the modern day Conservative, and his vision continues to be the one that’s acted upon.

RONALD REAGAN’S PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM

Look, for the past four years I’ve heard (from Democrats and Republicans alike) things along the lines of “This is not what the party of Reagan stands for! He would never approve of Trump!”. Uh…news flash, yes he would. Are you kidding me? This WHOLE idea of benefiting corporations instead of people, thinning out the middle class, trickle down economics (proven time and time again by actual economists to be a horrible policy), etc…who do you people think started all of that? If Trump gets compared to Voldemort, Ronald Reagan is his Salazar Slytherin without a doubt.

4. HELGA HUFFLEPUFF’S CUP

When I was thinking about this one I realized that, of all the items on this list, a cup is the most common one. It’s something everyone has, but what was important to Voldy was WHO it belonged to. The “who” aspect of this Horcrux made it so important that Voldy decided to lock this one in an unbreakable vault.

When thinking about the rise of Trump in general and what item from someone in an “opposing house” could be used for this, the one that made the most sense suddenly hit me.

BARACK OBAMA’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Its a very common item, everybody has one…but Trump made a huge deal about THIS one because it belonged to another President (and…you know…the other reason). For a lot of people, the “birther scandal” was one of the first political controversies that brought attention to Trump. It felt appropriate that the actual certificate had to be one of the Horcruxes, being so important to his “origin story” and all.

5. ROWENA RAVENCLAW’S DIADEM

Another item that belonged to a fellow Hogwarts Founder, although this one is a little more unique to Rowena herself. The other unique thing about the Diadem is that it was supposed to enhance the wisdom of the wearer.

So another item unique to a “rival”, something that’s supposed to offer some perspective, and something to do with Trump? Done.

THE VERY FIRST COPY OF HILLARY CLINTON’S WHAT HAPPENED

Now obviously I’m not saying “READ THIS BOOK AND BE SMARTER”, but critics have said that the best part about this book is a more personal look behind Clinton’s experience of being the first female candidate, running against someone like Trump, winning the popular vote, etc. Readers have said it’s quite interesting to read a firsthand account of all the times Hillary felt like she couldn’t react to something Trump was doing, and the fact that this item is a revelatory experience made it make sense to me to function as the Diadem.

6. NAGINI

Dumbledore once said “I think he is perhaps as fond of her as he can be of anything. He certainly likes to keep her close and has an unusual amount of control over her, even for a Parselmouth.”

Yeah, this one’s probably the most obvious.

IVANKA

Next.

7. HARRY POTTER

So this is another obvious one. When all is said and done there’s one guy who managed to do what seemed impossible, and actually beat Trump.

JOE BIDEN

Some of you might be saying “come on, really? Is this the best comparison for THE Harry Potter?” In this hypothetical and from Trump’s perspective…yeah, kind of? Of all of his political opponents, Joe was the guy that Trump went to the Ukraine for dirt on. If that didn’t make it obvious that Trump was scared at the thought of Joe being the Democratic nominee, I don’t know what does.

On top of that, those of us who started following the results from the minute polls closed thought it looked grim, and that Joe was done for. Then he managed to pull a decisive victory out of a very stressful situation. Say what you will about Joe, but he got it done and made the Dark Lord look like a fool in the process.

There you have it, the (in my opinion) ACTUAL would-be Horcruxes of Donald Trump. Thanks for reading, hope you tune in next time!…

…

…Or maybe we can do more. If you’ve made it this far and are fully on board with my commitment to being extra, let’s apply the same logic to Trump’s cabinet/team and take a quick look at some Death Eater comparisons. That’s right, Soggz-Blogs posts come with bonus content now.

LUCIUS MALFOY – WILLIAM BARR

Barr was the “Lawful Evil” counterpart to Trump’s “Chaotic Evil” in the administration, he could always find a way to use the legal system to Trump’s advantage to get things done. Just like how Lucius straight up bailed once it became clear that Voldy was losing, Barr was seemingly the first very high-profile person on Trump’s team to admit defeat and say that Joe Biden won the election.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE – KELLYANNE CONWAY

Very loyal to their Dark Lord, will say and do insane things, terrifying to look at.

BARTY CROUCH JR. – RUDY GIULIANI

Crazy (would be an understatement for both), creepy, dangerous, had their soul removed at some point.

FENRIR GREYBACK – MITCH MCCONNELL

Okay, I get it, COMPLETELY different in demeanor…but think about them functionally. Greyback’s whole deal was to strike fear into the opposition and shut down everything they could throw at the Death Eaters. Moscow Mitch over here has been killing bills and causing havoc for the Democrats before Trump was even in office. They both serve as the greatest disruptor for their enemy. It made sense to me…even though Greyback is a werewolf and Mitch looks like what would happen if there was a lone turtle roaming the streets of New York and, instead of radioactive ooze turning him into a crimefighting ninja, a hedge fund manager was taking a leak in an alley and didn’t notice what he was peeing on until, boom, a Republican was born.

IGOR KARKAROFF – REX TILLERSON

Worked with Trump for a while, defected (and didn’t seem all too broken up about it) and talked a bunch of shit behind Trump’s back. “Fucking Moron” was the term used, I believe?.

PETER PETTIGREW – STEPHEN MILLER

I feel like I should make it clear that, of both Voldy and Trump’s Death Eaters, these two are my absolute least favorite so there may be some bias here. Both of these little rats answer the question “What if that incel you knew in school became the right-hand man to someone with a lot of power and influence with the ability to do crazy shit?” Both of these guys have done some real damage in the name of their Dark Lord, Miller himself was looking to end birthright citizenship! Hasan Minhaj said it best; Stephen Miller is the type of guy to deport his own hair for being brown…and Peter Pettigrew also just plain sucks.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE – BETSY DEVOS

Finally, we end on this one. Umbridge wasn’t really a Death Eater, she was kind of just someone unqualified to be in a position of power who somehow ended up with one, and that sentiment has big DeVos energy already. Furthermore, in both cases, “students” was the demographic got hurt the most because of their policies. I know that Nikki Haley at the RNC made some comments that got meme’d to mimic Umbridge, but when you really look into it, DeVos is the appropriate comparison.

Okay NOW we’re done. Man, does it feel good to be doing stupid stuff like this again.