A More Attentive and Critical Look at Donald Trump’s Seven Horcruxes

Constant vigilance! Especially with pop-culture comparisons!

Think back and remember your millennial self in the summer of 2011. You’re standing in a long line outside of your local theater. Its the middle of July, but you’re still wearing a scarf with colors corresponding to your Hogwarts house. You’re in line to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2, and for many of you, this is when you’re claiming something like “it feels like my childhood is ending!”.

Fast forward to where you were on the night of November 8th, 2016. There he is, the guy you’ve loathed ever since he announced his candidacy. You probably voted for who would’ve been the first female president (or you were a colossal moron and wrote in “Harambe”), but it slowly became clear that no glass ceilings were being broken that night. Over the next four years, a lot of you would come to say something along the lines of “man…being an adult fucking sucks…”

Its never been a surprise to me that our generation, who is so obsessed with the Wizarding World Franchise that younger Zoomers think we’re weird for being 30 and still identifying with a Hogwarts House, would compare a President like Donald Trump to a fictional character like the Dark Lord Voldemort. With internet memes being such a significant part of social capital, nerd culture absolutely dominating our zeitgeist, and the prominence of JK Rowling’s books and their Hollywood adaptations when we were kids, the comparison was just begging to be made from day one. Its also no secret that, my personal feelings on Trump aside, many fellow millennials (especially those of us in big cities) overwhelmingly did not like this dude and felt like we weren’t the ones that put him into office (hell, we barely vote to begin with). However, that’s not what I’m here to complain about.

If it wasn’t obvious from everything about me, of course I love real-life/pop-culture comparisons. What I don’t appreciate is laziness, and the X amount of “Trump’s Horcruxes” articles, memes, and posts have all left me disappointed as hell. Look at this one I saw floating around instagram as an example:

Sure, this works if you think a Horcrux is “any common thing associated with Trump” but that’s not really what it is, is it? Also come on, how are you going to destroy a twitter account or a news network with Godric Gryffindor’s sword or a Basilisk Fang, those are intangible things and we very clearly know from the series that Horcruxes have to be tangible. Even the bullshit with Harry’s soul was simplified as “Harry is the last Horcrux” for readers/viewers.

Furthermore the Horcruxes all had a lot of value to Voldemort and were very unique items, he went as far as to attempt creating one for every Hogwarts house (giving up on trying to make one out of Ol’ Godric’s sword when he couldn’t find it). Yeah I get it, he likes golf, but I don’t think he’d particularly care enough about any old Mar-A-Lago golf cart to make a Horcrux out of it. Also, a red tie? The thing that EVERY Republican ever wears? We can do better, and that’s what we’re going to do today.

Today I will be looking at Voldemort’s Horcruxes and finding apt comparisons for Donald Trump’s hypothetical counterparts.


This was the very first one, and the most personal. Of all the Horcruxes Voldy had, this item clearly belongs to him. When we see it in the story, the diary was given to Ginny Weasley and the dark magic influenced her to do some really bad things. Anyone who knew her beforehand would say that everything she did with the Chamber of Secrets was very out of character for her. She had quite the emotional dependency on this diary, and Voldy said he “grew stronger and stronger on a diet of her deepest fears, her darkest secrets.”

Well…I know someone who seems like they got brainwashed out of nowhere due to Trump’s magic and influence, and we all knew it was real and not a joke when he acquired a special signature item from Trump.


Ginny before the diary was a good kid, the least likely of the Weasley children to get into trouble or be a problem child for their parents. Kanye before the MAGA hat? “George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People” anyone?


This was a trickier one for me. The Gaunt ring belonged to another Slytherin family, albeit one that presumably wouldn’t really have been on board with Voldy’s “vision”. Voldy himself called Marvolo Gaunt “an ignorant old git” who simply thought that having pure-blood made him royal. Then again, we do know that even if certain Slytherins aren’t down with the process of Voldy’s “new world order”, its not like they’re not going to try and reap the benefits.

So I thought to myself: “Who do we know that was a pretty well known Republican, was outspoken against Trump, but immediately folds when pressure is applied, and didn’t come through for things that mattered like the rushed vote to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg?…and what item would such a person be famous for?”.


Depending on these “potential Republican swing votes” like Romney and Susan Collins rarely ever worked (most notable exception being the late John McCain and his thumbs-down vote regarding the ACA). My apologies go out to anyone who supports the Democrats, but the “Jeff Flakes” of the world are still not on your side at the end of the day…Romney himself voted in line with Trump 75% of the time. I picked Romney because he was the GOP presidential candidate previous to Trump, was one of the most high-profile Republican critics of Trump, yet he still eventually kissed the ring when it was good for him. I picked his legendary binder because, just like an actual Deathly Hallow, us regular wizards probably aren’t sure if it actually exists, yet wouldn’t be surprised if it did.


This one was much easier. Salazar Slytherin’s philosophies were the “blueprint” for a lot of what Voldy eventually did, even though Voldy was a lot less subtle about it all.

It’s got to be obvious where I’m going with this, there’s one revered “Grandfather”figure for the modern day Conservative, and his vision continues to be the one that’s acted upon.


Look, for the past four years I’ve heard (from Democrats and Republicans alike) things along the lines of “This is not what the party of Reagan stands for! He would never approve of Trump!”. Uh…news flash, yes he would. Are you kidding me? This WHOLE idea of benefiting corporations instead of people, thinning out the middle class, trickle down economics (proven time and time again by actual economists to be a horrible policy), etc…who do you people think started all of that? If Trump gets compared to Voldemort, Ronald Reagan is his Salazar Slytherin without a doubt.


When I was thinking about this one I realized that, of all the items on this list, a cup is the most common one. It’s something everyone has, but what was important to Voldy was WHO it belonged to. The “who” aspect of this Horcrux made it so important that Voldy decided to lock this one in an unbreakable vault.

When thinking about the rise of Trump in general and what item from someone in an “opposing house” could be used for this, the one that made the most sense suddenly hit me.


Its a very common item, everybody has one…but Trump made a huge deal about THIS one because it belonged to another President (and…you know…the other reason). For a lot of people, the “birther scandal” was one of the first political controversies that brought attention to Trump. It felt appropriate that the actual certificate had to be one of the Horcruxes, being so important to his “origin story” and all.


Another item that belonged to a fellow Hogwarts Founder, although this one is a little more unique to Rowena herself. The other unique thing about the Diadem is that it was supposed to enhance the wisdom of the wearer.

So another item unique to a “rival”, something that’s supposed to offer some perspective, and something to do with Trump? Done.


Now obviously I’m not saying “READ THIS BOOK AND BE SMARTER”, but critics have said that the best part about this book is a more personal look behind Clinton’s experience of being the first female candidate, running against someone like Trump, winning the popular vote, etc. Readers have said it’s quite interesting to read a firsthand account of all the times Hillary felt like she couldn’t react to something Trump was doing, and the fact that this item is a revelatory experience made it make sense to me to function as the Diadem.


Dumbledore once said “I think he is perhaps as fond of her as he can be of anything. He certainly likes to keep her close and has an unusual amount of control over her, even for a Parselmouth.”

Yeah, this one’s probably the most obvious.




So this is another obvious one. When all is said and done there’s one guy who managed to do what seemed impossible, and actually beat Trump.


Some of you might be saying “come on, really? Is this the best comparison for THE Harry Potter?” In this hypothetical and from Trump’s perspective…yeah, kind of? Of all of his political opponents, Joe was the guy that Trump went to the Ukraine for dirt on. If that didn’t make it obvious that Trump was scared at the thought of Joe being the Democratic nominee, I don’t know what does.

On top of that, those of us who started following the results from the minute polls closed thought it looked grim, and that Joe was done for. Then he managed to pull a decisive victory out of a very stressful situation. Say what you will about Joe, but he got it done and made the Dark Lord look like a fool in the process.

There you have it, the (in my opinion) ACTUAL would-be Horcruxes of Donald Trump. Thanks for reading, hope you tune in next time!…

…Or maybe we can do more. If you’ve made it this far and are fully on board with my commitment to being extra, let’s apply the same logic to Trump’s cabinet/team and take a quick look at some Death Eater comparisons. That’s right, Soggz-Blogs posts come with bonus content now.


Barr was the “Lawful Evil” counterpart to Trump’s “Chaotic Evil” in the administration, he could always find a way to use the legal system to Trump’s advantage to get things done. Just like how Lucius straight up bailed once it became clear that Voldy was losing, Barr was seemingly the first very high-profile person on Trump’s team to admit defeat and say that Joe Biden won the election.


Very loyal to their Dark Lord, will say and do insane things, terrifying to look at.


Crazy (would be an understatement for both), creepy, dangerous, had their soul removed at some point.


Okay, I get it, COMPLETELY different in demeanor…but think about them functionally. Greyback’s whole deal was to strike fear into the opposition and shut down everything they could throw at the Death Eaters. Moscow Mitch over here has been killing bills and causing havoc for the Democrats before Trump was even in office. They both serve as the greatest disruptor for their enemy. It made sense to me…even though Greyback is a werewolf and Mitch looks like what would happen if there was a lone turtle roaming the streets of New York and, instead of radioactive ooze turning him into a crimefighting ninja, a hedge fund manager was taking a leak in an alley and didn’t notice what he was peeing on until, boom, a Republican was born.


Worked with Trump for a while, defected (and didn’t seem all too broken up about it) and talked a bunch of shit behind Trump’s back. “Fucking Moron” was the term used, I believe?.


I feel like I should make it clear that, of both Voldy and Trump’s Death Eaters, these two are my absolute least favorite so there may be some bias here. Both of these little rats answer the question “What if that incel you knew in school became the right-hand man to someone with a lot of power and influence with the ability to do crazy shit?” Both of these guys have done some real damage in the name of their Dark Lord, Miller himself was looking to end birthright citizenship! Hasan Minhaj said it best; Stephen Miller is the type of guy to deport his own hair for being brown…and Peter Pettigrew also just plain sucks.


Finally, we end on this one. Umbridge wasn’t really a Death Eater, she was kind of just someone unqualified to be in a position of power who somehow ended up with one, and that sentiment has big DeVos energy already. Furthermore, in both cases, “students” was the demographic got hurt the most because of their policies. I know that Nikki Haley at the RNC made some comments that got meme’d to mimic Umbridge, but when you really look into it, DeVos is the appropriate comparison.

Okay NOW we’re done. Man, does it feel good to be doing stupid stuff like this again.

From the Vault: Democratic Presidential Candidates as Marvel Villains

The Hollywood & Washington Collaboration That No One Asked For

WARNING: MCU SPOILERS AND “POLITICAL” PIECE BELOW. How stupid is it that I apparently have to warn people about that last part though? Well anyway every view expressed is my own despite me, as always, being as objective as possible.

Ah, American politicians. There are a lot of them, their personalities vary, most of them seem underdeveloped and generic, and they tend to have good intentions that are paired with their more-than-questionable actions. The interesting thing is that all of those qualities I listed seem to also apply to comic book movie villains. Isn’t it strange that elected officials and people in power seem to often become synonymous with “bad guys” (as The Notorious AOC herself has mentioned)? It’s almost as if the system designed to keep us free actually oppresses us by directly encouraging those with privilege to act unethically in their own self-interest an-

Okay, sorry, I’m getting off topic. I should probably mention that I’ve been banned from talking politics at family events because I need to “stop trying to brainwash the kids into being dirty socialists”. Well that will not stop me from writing about it here and focusing on the three rounds of Democratic Party debates that we have had so far. Real-life villains aside (like the current American idiot in office), in comic-book-movies the antagonists can be fun, idealistic, and sometimes you even want to root for them! So to distract myself from how existentially stressed out I am about 2020, and to attempt to fill the “no Marvel” void I will also feel until 2020, this piece was born.

If you’re looking for some actual serious debate discussion, check out The Overrated Podcast and our ongoing Election 2020 coverage. Today, here and now, I will be going over a select number of the Democratic candidates by comparing them to the villains we have seen so far in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU)! To still be “political” (Lord knows I can’t resist), I’ll also be categorizing them by how much you should care about them at this point…and probably more.


1. Governor Jay Inslee – Ava Starr aka “Ghost”

To ease you into this piece, let’s start off with a candidate/villain I actually really liked and am bummed I seemingly won’t hear from again. Inslee burst onto the debate stage with (for the most part) a single issue: Climate Change. For whatever reason, the average voter decided that isn’t a sexy enough single issue, and similarly Ghost doesn’t get much universal love from the more casual viewers of the MCU.

Inslee’s solid record and environmental policy didn’t even get a chance past the second debate, and Ghost wasn’t even included in most of the websites I used for research on the best MCU villains. Both deserved better, both disappeared too soon, and I wish the best for both of them.

2. Marianne Williamson – Kaecilius

Okay enough wholesomeness, let’s get to the shit show. Both Marianne and Kaecilius are anti-science, huge advocates of magic, and are constantly trying to channel the dark dimension. All while ignoring the very real effects their actions have on people and the material world.

They’re disillusioned with the current leadership, which makes them interesting…right up until the point where they start to tell people that their problems (like curing HIV and cancer) can be solved with fanaticism, that they’re the only one who really cares about you, and that the world can be saved by some weird sort of enlightenment they’re preaching. 

I have no factual confirmation if Marianne believes in an inter-dimensional dark entity like Dormammu…but would any of us really be surprised if we found out that was true? It’d be just about as surprising as the time she said that fat people need to pray harder, and that people on antidepressants are weak. These two are glorified “self-help gurus”, they’re not particularly mean-spirited, yet that doesn’t change the fact that they’re full of shit.

3. Governor John Hickenlooper aka “The Loop” – Trevor Slattery aka “The Mandarin”

Why? Because fuck this guy and fuck Iron Man 3, that’s why! (This is definitely more of a hot take on the MCU side than the political one, as the Loop got booed on stage at the California Democratic Convention.)

Both the Loop (and those who resemble him politically) and the Mandarin were an absolute waste of my damn time and I’m glad we’re not talking about them anymore. Speaking of which, time for the new category of candidates. 


1. Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard – Secretary Thaddeus Ross aka “Thunderbolt”

Remember how Ross was in The Incredible Hulk a long time ago, then showed up again in Captain America: Civil War seemingly a different person by being anti-war and changing his policy? (Ross wanted to emulate the super-soldier serum, lied to Banner which created the Hulk and ruined his life, and then suddenly gets tasked with regulation of the Avengers? That’s like throwing minorities in jail for smoking weed and then talking about how you used to smoke weed in college!…or am I just thinking of Kamala Harris now? Oh well.) Then when we REALLY didn’t need to hear from him again because we’re already pressed for time, he shows up? This whole thing is pretty accurate for Tulsi too.

Both Ross and Tulsi are ex-US Military and fought in big wars (Vietnam and Iraq, respectively). Tulsi went from being pro-life and campaigning for an anti-gay rights group…to outright supporting federal funding for abortion and having a 100% pro-LGBTQIA+ voting record in Congress. Outside of a few great points, including her attack on Kamala in the second debate, it seemed pretty obvious that we didn’t need to hear from Tulsi again past the second debate, maybe the third. Yet here we are with her not qualifying for the 3rd and getting another chance in the fourth. Wonderful. 

Just like Ross’ scene in Avengers: Infinity War, I’m probably going to watch the fourth debate and wish the time was spent on something a little more productive.

2. Senator Amy Klobuchar aka “Klobes” – Ronan the Accuser

Klobes and Ronan’s biggest “fault” is honestly how generic and boring they are. You get the feeling that there has to be something more there, then they show up again in a different debate/movie and do more of the same thing and you’re left confused and unsatisfied. 

Similar to Ronan, Klobes’ biggest “moments” come from shouting a bland “criticism” at someone else in the scene which, upon the slightest analysis, makes no sense even though it sounds flashy in the moment. I am of course referring to when Klobes told Bernie in the third debate that (paraphrased): “You might have written the damn bill, but I read the damn bill!”

What does that even mean? I mean I would hope you actually read the bill if you’re going to debate about it. Why did anyone applaud that? Similarly, what was Ronan thinking when he stole an Infinity Stone from fucking Thanos? Did you think this guy got the nickname “The Mad Titan” by letting Kree punks walk all over him?

I once again have no factual confirmation of this, but given what I know about Klobes, I would definitely believe it if someone told me that she would be insanely confused by the sight of a dude dancing and subsequently lose all of her focus.

3. Andrew Yang – Quentin Beck aka “Mysterio”

Unpopular take, but I could dedicate an entire piece to Yang and his dumb ass alone, and if you’re really curious then check this piece out by a longtime friend of soggz-blogs, Uday Mehta. I’ll try to summarize my rage and stay productive and on-topic…or I could just offer everyone a chance at a thousand dollars just to humor me instead, right? (Insert Pete Buttigieg’s eye-roll here)

Beck and Yang are scorned tech workers that lost their jobs. Beck had one good idea that Tony Stark refashioned into an actually useful invention (B.A.R.F), Yang had one good idea that I’m sure a much better candidate could build upon and turn into actual policy. Both say off-putting things, have an unhealthy need for attention, and you better believe that both have taken their “one good idea” way out of hand to the point of idiocy with support from their cult-like-following that, frankly, need to open their eyes and see that there’s much more to this whole “President thing” than the lazy discourse being proposed.

Okay screw this I can’t resist, YANG CRITICISM TIME: You seriously mean to tell me that your solution to campaign-finance-reform is DEMOCRACY DOLLARS? Really? MORE free money? Oh sure, that’ll out-spend lobbyists like the NRA for sure! For fuck’s sake this was also AFTER he implied that gender discrimination in the workplace can be solved by his fucking “Freedom Dividend”…because women who are tired of toxic-masculinity in corporate culture can just “leave and invest in themselves”. Which is great and all but it literally still leaves THE ACTUAL PROBLEM UNSOLVED. Oh and when Yang did his whole “We should be telling the immigrant success stories instead” bullshit? Buddy, I’m pretty sure there’s an ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT DIDN’T HAVE A CHOICE IN IMMIGRATING HERE that would have some shit to say about you pushing the antiquated and fucked up “model-minority” agenda. How is this FUCKING CLOWN polling higher th-

Look I said I’d TRY to stay on-topic, and clearly I failed. Moving on.

4. Tom Steyer – Malekith

You are going to have to google both of these two to know who they are, but you most likely won’t, and frankly shouldn’t, because they’re not interesting enough to even warrant minimal effort from you.


1. Secretary Julian Castro – Darren Cross aka “Yellowjacket”

Julian Castro has tons of political experience as the former Mayor of San Antonio and former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) under the Obama administration. He was even on the shortlist for being Hillary’s running mate in 2016 (which would’ve been a much better choice than the slice of untoasted, lukewarm wonderbread with low-fat margarine that was Tim Kaine).

So far in his 2020 run, his debate tactics have consisted of: Emulating Barack-like mannerisms and speech patterns, saying he’d do better than Barack on immigration, and going after Uncle Joe saying (paraphrased): “I’m living up to Obama’s legacy, you’re not”.

Clearly he’s got some kind of a “mentor complex” that’s simultaneously hurting and helping his campaign. Very much like Darren Cross and his complicated relationship with his mentor, Hank Pym.

2. Mayor Pete Buttigieg aka “Mayor Pete” – Helmut Zemo

Mayor Pete’s meteoric rise to being one of the most widely discussed nominees is nothing short of impressive, going from being the Mayor of a town in Indiana to going point-for-point with Senators who have been in Washington for years. This reminded me of how Zemo, with no powers, was able to somehow handle twelve different heroes, four of whom were on the original Avengers roster. The similarities don’t stop there: both are ex-military, young, wholesome family men, very politically savvy, and have a knack for taking “option C” on big political issues. 

This is honestly my biggest issue with Mayor Pete, much like Zemo for most of the movie, I have no idea where he actually stands on things and what he’s pushing. While “Leftist vs Liberal” seem to be the two “teams” on the debate stage and in the party itself, Mayor Pete seems to live in this perplexing new form of centrism where he’s chosen the “center” of the two teams. He half-asses his support for universal healthcare by giving it the new name of “Medicare for all who want it,” he very wrongly and pompously accused Bernie and Warren of not “caring about the American people” in discussion of universal healthcare (really dude? Bernie’s been caring about the American people since you were in diapers. I’m sure it was a fun and sassy moment for you, but come on bro. You know better), and it seems like half the time he’s trying to make both leftists and liberals sound bad while chalking himself up to be a better option than all of them. 

In an already divided Democratic Party, Mayor Pete’s tactics could end up hurting more people than it does help. Much like breaking apart the Avengers on your own terms instead of just supporting or opposing the Sokovia accords. 

3. Congressman Robert O’Rourke aka “Beto” – Ultron

Ultron was built by Tony Stark to be the perfect defense mechanism against extraterrestrial armies that could threaten mankind. Similarly, in the 2018 midterm elections, Beto burst into the hearts of Democrats everywhere as the man who was the perfectly built politician, enough to make Texas go blue. The hype behind both Beto and Ultron was real…but when all was said and done, both seemed rather disappointing (probably due to over-enthusiastic nerds on the internet in both cases).

Beto came across as rather robotic on the debate stage, especially in the first two. He also unfortunately accepted almost half a million dollars from the oil and gas industry, many of which came from big oil executives. As we know from Ultron’s vibranium-stealing shenanigans, it appears both of these guys are fans of drilling into the earth for a natural resource that will result in greater harm later (to be fair, Beto has since changed his position on this).

Perhaps the biggest reason I chose this comparison is that I’ll still defend both to an extent. Not only do I think Beto and Ultron are better in their respective fields than a vast majority of the other candidates/MCU villains we’ve seen, I just have to give credit where it is due for unique things that both have done. I’ve said it before (as early as last month’s piece) but Ultron is one of the only MCU characters period to call out the Captain himself on his biggest flaw (more so than Tony, who always made things personal whenever he called out Cap).

As for Beto, my personal stance on guns in America has gone from “Maybe this is my ONE thing I’m conservative on” to “Okay maybe we should limit some stuff” to “I don’t even know anymore” to “Just ban the damn things, I’m sick of this shit”. That being said, it was very refreshing to see a Democrat on the debate stage cut straight to the point instead of pussyfooting around with the typical “I support the second amendment, I just think ____” nonsense. In the third debate, Beto spoke for every frustrated American who is sick and tired of innocent children being shot in class.

The point is, I think that the moderators/writers just didn’t give Beto/Ultron a chance to explain themselves more.

4. Senator Corey Booker aka “Book” – Johann Schmidt aka “Red Skull”

Red Skull is one of the most iconic Captain America villains and many thought he’d be a long-term MCU villain. Book was one of the most hyped up potential nominees amongst Democrats if we were talking about this in 2017.

Then they went for the Tesseract/Big Pharma money, got cast out and forgotten by fans, then confused everyone by showing up again in crucial moments. Yet now it just seems like their entire purpose is to guide others to a treasure they can not possess: The Soul Stone/the Nomination. Speaking of which…


1. Vice-President Joe Biden aka “Uncle Joe” – Ego

Uncle Joe is an older man who’s been around forever, comes off extremely out-of-touch, is constantly touching women, and is trying so hard to get elected on the clout of his title and the idea that he’ll be America’s new dad. Ego is a centuries-old entity, lives on his own planet that he can’t leave for too long (or else he’ll die?), is constantly touching women (and then subsequently stealing the babies), and thought that he could get what he wanted on the clout of being a Celestial and the idea that Star Lord needed his estranged father back. 

Much like the Guardians’ first interactions with Ego, in every group of five average American voters: one will be completely mesmerized by him, one got too cautious too late, one will ask about his penis, one is too busy insulting everyone else in the group, and one is Groot. 

Look, I get the nostalgia and “simpler times” associated with the Obama administration. Hell, the ACA was the most impactful thing that any politician has done for my family…but can we stop acting like Uncle Joe had that much to do with that? As a wise man once said: “He may have been your father boy, but he wasn’t your daddy”. 

2. Senator Kamala Harris – Secretary Alexander Pierce

“Hard on crime” is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot among politicians, and both Kamala and Pierce are about that life. Kamala was a former prosecutor in California, and Pierce was the former Director of SHIELD before one got elected Senator and the other got promoted to Secretary. Both are so outwardly dedicated to the idea of justice, Pierce even declined a Nobel Peace Prize saying that “peace wasn’t an achievement, but a responsibility”.

They seemed great, they came off as tough and ready to get things done, they had trust on their side. Right until you find out that Kamala is responsible for subjecting so many non-violent offenders to the hellish landscape known as the “American for-profit prison system”, and that Pierce is trying to use SHIELD Helicarriers to have absolute control over people, and then you’re just disappointed (to say the least). 

What’s also interesting is Kamala’s unwillingness to acknowledge and apologize for her choices. I’m sure many people would actually look past her history if she, like Tulsi or Beto, actually mentioned her murky history. Despite being called out for this same thing twice now on the debate stage, she always finds a way to circumvent the topic and continue her “I’m too tough for Donald Trump” facade. 

You can definitely apply what Nick Fury said about Pierce to how I feel about Kamala at this point: “See, its stuff like this that gives me trust issues”.

3. Senator Bernie Sanders – Adrian Toomes aka “The Vulture”

This is the rare case where the comparison has already been made long before I got to this piece, because Vulture and Bernie are both grassroots leaders of working class citizens and are the most concerned with ensuring the safety of everyday people. Both are incredibly intense old men who are still extremely sharp, tough, and passionate for their age, both are huge advocates for science and research, and both are always incredibly quick to antagonize billionaires.

While in comic-book-land, billionaires are epic heroes, in real life the very idea of their existence is immoral and a huge testament to the economic corruption in the country. In real life the only good billionaire is one that has HAD ALL OF THEIR FUCKING MONEY LIQUIDATED AND GIVEN BACK TO THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE THAT SUFFER DAY TO DAY WHILE THEY SIT AROUND NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE AT ALL AND AFTER THAT THEY’LL BERN VIA VOLCANIC SACRIF-(removed by my editor)

4. Senator Elizabeth Warren – Thanos (Infinity War)

They’re incredibly intelligent, they’re fed up of everyone else’s shit, they’re environmentalists, and they’re finally ready to execute their plans after a few years of seemingly sitting around and preparing for it. 

Much like Thanos has the right Infinity Stone for every situation, Warren has a detailed plan for every political talking point and she’s ready to fight about it. They’re focused on the goal and nothing else, as Warren is one of the only candidates who hasn’t antagonized someone else on the debate stage and has made a name for herself by simply promoting her policy and doing her best to stay on track. She’s been one of the most productive in the debates, and I’m excited to see her hopefully climb in the polls. I guess what I’m trying to say is: Dread it, run from it, progressive politics will still arrive…

…and that’s a really good thing, just to be absolutely clear, before someone misunderstands my views (I thought I made it pretty obvious) or before someone reads too much into me comparing Democrats to comic antagonists. Honestly, I just didn’t feel like writing about Joker this month.


From the Vault: I Wish X-Men Was More Popular

I Hope They Remember You

WARNING: This post contains SPOILERS FOR ALL MOVIES IN THE FOX X-MEN FRANCHISE, most recently including DARK PHOENIX. If you prefer not to read, turn away now.

Remember when comic book movies were God awful? Shall I remind us of Daredevil (2003), Catwoman (2004), or Fantastic Four (2005)? Shall I take it a step further and remind us of Elektra (2005), Ghostrider (2007), and my personal pick for the undisputed worst one I have ever witnessed in my lifetime…Ang Lee’s Hulk (2003)? Despite the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) in the 2010’s, we can’t deny that the medium as a whole has suffered its “dark ages”. However, even in that range, there were gems that critics, fans, and audiences paid good money to see multiple times. I’m talking about Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 2, Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins (2005), and when we have the conversation of early-mid 2000s comic book movies that paved the road, we absolutely have to include Fox’s X-Men Franchise.

It began in the year 2000. Y2K was proven wrong, America dealt with a controversial General Election which was eventually ruled in favor of the GOP (some things never change, huh?), Tiger Woods was still a relevant athlete, Eminem released “The Marshall Mathers LP” (which many listened to via Napster), Friends was still on the air…and Bryan Singer (big oof in 2019, I know) just directed X-Men.

The X-Men are known for being an ensemble, but they are typically led by Charles Xavier (Professor X) and Erik Lehnsherr (Magneto), portrayed by Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen respectively. Audiences were also introduced to Halle Berry’s Storm, Anna Paquin’s Rogue, and Hugh Jackman’s iconic Wolverine. The first movie received generally positive reviews, was followed by the critically acclaimed X2 (2003), and the infamously bad X-Men: The Last Stand (2006). Seeing as how the movies were indeed making money, and since Fox had the rights to the characters (a simpler time), going beyond the trilogy seemed to make the most sense. Unfortunately, this led to X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), a “laughably bad movie” river that critics on the internet ran dry within weeks of its release. I actually also got a chance to review the movie and pitch my idea for it on The Doctor Script Podcast, which you can find here.

I would definitely not be surprised if you read that last paragraph and forgot about the existence of half of those movies. This is mostly because the “modern” X-Men franchise took off after the original trilogy and Wolverine spin-off, when Matthew Vaughn directed the phenomenal X-Men: First Class (2011). The younger versions of Professor X and Magneto, masterfully portrayed by James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender respectively, kicked off more movies that eventually brought us to where we are today, the end of an era with Dark Phoenix absolutely bombing at the box office. As a fan of the franchise I saw the movie myself, and while I can’t say it was good, I don’t think it was unwatchable or terrible. I honestly just think the general audience forgot about or got bored of the X-Men. It’s pretty plain to see that the franchise wasn’t meticulously planned out like an MCU situation, and while there’s some semblance of a canon, audiences often find themselves having to overlook things and watch some of the later movies in a vacuum especially after the wildly successful branching-off of Logan and Deadpool.

Despite all of this, there was one part of Dark Phoenix that I noticed and actually wanted to explore, and that is what inspired this post. In a world where humanity was originally frightened and hostile towards mutants, Professor X has created a team that has become popular with the general public through acts of service, he even has a direct line to the White House that the President uses for emergencies. Raven, however, comments that a lot of this relationship for the mutants is giving and not getting anything in return, except for Xavier’s countless awards and accolades. Xavier retorts that this is the only way mutants will be accepted into society, and that messing with this relationship even once will result in mutants becoming public enemy number one again. Meanwhile, Magneto is far away in a government-approved shelter providing a home for lost mutants who would rather live isolationist lives.

In 2019’s political climate, where the treatment of minorities seems to be a constant talking point for elected officials, this aspect of the X-Men is absolutely perfect to explore. In the midst of the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s, Marvel Comics architect Stan Lee used his medium of comic books to try and make a difference. He created the world of Wakanda, which almost everyone is familiar with today. “Those stories have room for everyone, regardless of their race, gender, religion, or color of their skin,” Lee said in this video published by Marvel in 2017. “The only things we don’t have room for are hatred, intolerance, and bigotry.” It is entirely true that the world of the X-Men was created to serve as a subtle nod to the struggles of minorities and to explain those struggles in the comic book medium (subtle in the sense that they replaced “minorities” with “mutants”).

We are unfortunately living in somewhat of a resurgence for outwardly bigoted behavior towards minorities. This includes unfair over-incarceration, outright murder by law enforcement, family separation laws, and attempts at banning entire countries from entering a nation that was built by immigrants (many of whom didn’t even come here by choice)…so literally everything Prince N’Jobu and Erik Killmonger were furious with in Black Panther. Make no mistake, my personal favorite and arguably most interesting part of any X-Men story is exploring this dynamic: The Government’s fear-mongering of mutants for political agendas, the mutant community’s inner-conflict on how to deal with their oppression, and the different methodology on how to achieve the same goal demonstrated by Professor X and Magneto.

Rumors are constantly spread about how Professor X was based on Martin Luther King Jr, making Magneto based on Malcolm X. While this has never been outright confirmed, the basic concept rings true. Professor X wants to work with humans and show that mutants have a lot to contribute to society. Magneto views this as being a glorified janitor for humanity’s screw-ups, and he doesn’t share the same hope that his counterpart does. This dynamic has a lot to say about the minority experience, and it is also a look into how modern day activists go about enacting social justice. Essentially, this single theme would enable a creator to bring audiences a movie that not only portrays the nuance of how minorities of various backgrounds feel (Professor X grew up quite privileged, whereas Magneto was a Holocaust survivor), but can also serve as an analysis of our modern protest culture and the political correctness movement itself.

Many are already aware that Fox no longer has the rights to these characters, as they have been bought by Disney to now fall under the MCU umbrella. While Marvel Studios has stated that fans will have to wait a while to see the X-Men on the big screen again, and while the purchase of Fox’s assets by Disney have caused a lot of unrest in the industry, I have high hopes that the same studio that brought us Black Panther and Captain Marvel can focus on this powerful dynamic between Charles and Erik. I will always fondly remember Stewart/McAvoy and McKellen/Fassbender as these characters, and I implore anyone reading this to take some time and do the same.

Of course, Marvel/Disney could always just choose to give us more of the Phoenix Force, more of Wolverine’s personal conflict, and more dick jokes with Deadpool. Or they could choose to use these characters to give us something real, thought provoking, and culturally relevant. One can only hope they give us the latter.

Recommended Viewing:

  1. X-Men: The Animated Series*
  2. X-Men: First Class
  3. X2
  4. X-Men: Evolution*
  5. X-Men: Days of Future Past

*Television series, available for purchase on Amazon Prime Video and iTunes.