Hype for Homecoming: Spider-Man 3

Part 3 of 5: Jazz hands and tears

[WARNING: Posts of this nature aren’t traditional “reviews”. Expect the following: spoilers, potentially mindless ramblings, lack of proper sentence structure, and profane language. There is a summary section at the end of the bullet points that you can skip to for convenience.]

*Inhales*….”Spider-Man 3″…is…a movie that exists. I’m going to try to get through this keeping as much sanity as I can, but this movie essentially boils down to being way too scattered and it just ends up feeling like butter spread out over too much bread. Look, I don’t think this movie is one of the atrociously bad comic-book movies of the 2000’s. Even if you look at the other two that came out in 2007, its “Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer” and “Ghost Rider”…yeah, those were way worse. What I DO think is that this is the first example of a comic-book movie having insane hype, but tries to do way too much and falls flat on its face…regardless of if these were decisions by Sony or some other external factor interfering with Raimi’s work, OR if it was just a huge goof by Raimi himself. I actually discussed this in a previous post you can find here where I name the phenomenon after THIS movie…and for good reason. In any case…*sigh* here we go.

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Oh sure, SPIDER-MAN’S ARCH-NEMESIS FROM THE COMICS, show up in the last 30 minutes of the movie! GENIUS.
  • Okay the first act of this movie actually feels like a Raimi Spider-Man movie, we establish where our characters are, there’s a few nice moments between them, we get a fight between Peter and Harry (as the new Green Goblin), and it actually feels like the movie has gracefully taken off…and then we get to the “Harry memory loss” subplot and you kinda start to think “well…what now?” TWO OTHER VILLAINS, A LIFETIME DRAMA, AND BAD DANCING, THATS WHAT!
  • The whole idea to put Sandman in this movie actually sums up how I feel about this movie. Its a weird mix of moments that worked, stuff that made no sense, and stuff that made me think that ANYONE in the writer’s room could’ve pointed out a way to do it better. EXAMPLE: Scene where Sandman is materializing and trying to grab his daughter’s locket? Works for me, good moment supplemented by the score. Making Sandman aka Flint Marko be the “real” Uncle Ben’s murderer? Makes no sense when you put that sub-plot to bed a LONG time ago…why go back to alter the turning point of the first movie? Scene where these scientists conduct the experiment anyway thinking “the change in the mass is just a bird that will fly away”?…a screenwriting intern could’ve spoken out against this. What. The. Fuck. EVEN I KNOW that is a GIANT no-no in any laboratory/test of ANY kind.
  • Why…DEAR GOD WHY…does Peter decide to kiss Gwen in front of MJ? Yes, it makes sense for him to get a little cocky, but what the hell were the writers thinking making Spidey SO OUT OF CHARACTER here? The entire MJ drama and eventual love-triangle with Harry just blows and seems so out of place, if you ask me that’s what brings this movie down the most. A lot of other things are forced too, but this made the LEAST amount of sense.
  • Let’s talk about the Symbiote. I don’t think including it in the movie was a bad call itself, but the way it was handled just seemed choppy. Probably due to the conflicting sub-plots and having to find a way to jam this piece of the puzzle in to a space that doesn’t exactly fit? I mean even if you just had Harry be the villain, yeah you could fit the Symbiote in…and the scenes with Black-suit Spider-Man are cool…but, again…too much, too scattered, blaahh.
  • In a series with such great casting…Topher Grace’s casting as Eddie Brock is just the fucking worst. The only reason I’m okay with a standalone Venom reboot is because I can forget about this version….unless Sony fucks the new one up too.
  • I just finished the part where Harry’s manipulation of Peter and MJ’s relationship is done and he tells Peter “I’m the other guy” (WHO THOUGHT THIS SUBPLOT WAS A GOOD IDEA??). Aside from Harry suddenly becoming Batman and vanishing in to thin air, I’m gonna just end this with a bullet each for what was cool and what pissed me off.
  • What I liked: The suit-less fight between Harry and Peter is really cool…and has some real tension. Would’ve been cooler if Peter didn’t decide to be emo and look like the lead singer of a punk band; Peter ripping off the symbiote in the church is a well-done scene; Spidey teaming up with Goblin Jr. to fight Sandman and Venom is dope, nice to see superheroes team up in the pre-avengers era.
  • What sucked: Jazz choreography…dear LORD this entire part at the Jazz club just didn’t need to happen. You mean to tell me there was NO OTHER WAY Peter could hurt MJ and realize what he’s become? Anyone?; Fucking BUTLER-EX-MACHINA finally telling Harry that his dad was a psycho that killed himself. How did the Butler even know what Harry was going through? Just because Norman died by his own glider doesn’t exactly prove much…I mean someone else could’ve still done that to him. Why wouldn’t the Butler have just told Harry that in the first place? These guys are rich as fuck, did NO ONE perform an autopsy to see exactly how he died? 2.5 movies worth of Harry growing to hate Peter is undone by ONE piece of exposition from his BUTLER??; Wait so now NO ONE killed Uncle Ben? I seriously don’t know why they did this, “random robber” is SO MUCH EASIER than this entire ordeal with Flint…ugh.
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ALL OF MY TEARS.

Look, I don’t HATE “Spider-Man 3”. Obviously, it has its problems that seemed really avoidable..like if someone told you there’s a brick wall in front of you, you clearly see it, but you bump in to it lightly anyway. When you actually figure out what’s going on (which takes multiple watches) and forgive the stupidity, you can at least enjoy the movie. Despite things that made less sense, AT LEAST characters still had motives and I understood why they were doing things..which is more than I’ll be able to say for the next two parts in my Spidey series. For a movie that at least tried to give us something, but gave us other things are unforgivable…I’m giving “Spider-Man 3” a 6/10. 

Alright, this concludes the reign of Tobey McGuire as Spider-Man…and no matter what happens with the character, I would like to just thank him for being MY Spider-Man..and he always will be. Come back next time because now we’re moving on to the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man and that’s…well…it’ll be fun for you, not for me.